Aiming for Compassion

Getting there isn't always easy

Someone’s trying to tell me something.

It’s often hard to know when you’re getting a sign from God, the universe, or whatever cosmic messenger you believe in. But sometimes, synchronicity sidles up and smacks you in the face.

A few days ago, in less than two hours, I came across three people—two on Substack, one on a podcast—talking about the importance of having compassion and understanding for people who don’t necessarily deserve it.

There was a time in my life when these messages would have gone down like the stuff they give you to prep for a colonoscopy: unpleasant to ingest, and way too much at once.

But these people were right. Because unlike one’s colonoscopy prep, the result is favorable for everyone.

Grudgingly letting go

I used to nurse grudges like wounded birds. If you wronged me, I’d not only write you off, but if I could also get some non-violent revenge, so much the better.

Over time, I learned that many of my ingrained ways of thinking weren’t exactly stellar. Or mature. Or helpful. In this kind of situation, holding onto a resentment, as they say, is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Of course, just being told that something isn’t working for you doesn’t mean you automatically overcome years of dedication to it. If that were the case, all those people who told me, “You’re making a fool of yourself” and “You’re an idiot” and “This is offensive” would have caused me to abandon my dream of becoming a K-pop star by now.

There’s a lot of work involved. Introspection to be held. Discomfort to be felt. Rage to process. Neurons to be remapped. It’s a whole thing.

But first, you have to buy into the premise that someone who’s done you wrong deserves your sympathy.

That’s a tough sell for a lot of people, myself included.

But apparently, someone wanted to bring this subject to my attention.

Deepfakery

On that harrowing day when I had my shortcomings thrown in my face—thrice—the first instance was from a Note on Substack from the writer and actress Jameela Jamil.

Jamil posted a clip from her appearance on the podcast Off Air with Jane & Fi, where she discussed the deepfake porn pictures of her that someone had posted online.

One of the hosts said to her:

“Something that you said about the men who made deepfake porn images of you was really interesting. You called for those men to be treated with sympathy rather than being vilified. Why?”

Jamil’s response is fantastic and well worth watching. This is just a small part of it (lightly edited for clarity):

“This is a form of digital sexual violation, and part of the appeal for them is indeed to make us feel like we don’t have agency over who sees our body, and so I don’t think that we should be gifting them that satisfaction.

“I genuinely feel very sad. It’s about going… _have you spent an hour putting my face on someone else’s boobs? Are you all right, darling? You’re 40. What’s going on? Like, how can I help? How can we help because I bet this didn’t fix things for you. I bet this didn’t make your life better. _

“We should carry on legislating against these things because they lead to very dangerous places and teenage girls wanting to commit suicide when these images are circulated as if real, but I do think we can do two things at the same time, which is shift our conversation away from giving them the kudos of being seen as a predator and more as a wimp.”

To be sure, Jamil’s take isn’t entirely altruistic. I believe she does feel sorry for whatever scumbag did this to her, but she also wants people like him to be brought to justice and humiliated. Which I applaud.

The point is, though, reflecting on the psyche of the person who aggrieved her has relieved her of the burden of a heart heavy with hate. That’s a win.

Neighbor nightmare

A little later I read the Substack essay My Soulful Life: A Monster Moved in Next Door, by Dana Leigh Lyons.

Dana and her partner live in Thailand. Her landlord also owns the place next door, which he’s turned into an Airbnb. There’s currently a man and his elderly mother staying there until the end of June. The man is either a raging asshole, mentally ill, or both.

I won’t spoil it because it’s a crazy story and Dana’s a great writer, so I encourage you to read it.

The man’s behavior is scary and strange. Dana talks about the unpleasant emotions she’s gone through, and how she ultimately landed somewhere softer:

“Call it shared humanness.

“Call it an internal compass.

“Call it compassion.

“Whatever I call it, it feels elemental. Like relief. And it sounds something like this:

“However this guy justifies The Machine, the screams, the slamming, the furniture dragged at midnight, the denial and lying…

“No one who’s content and at peace acts like that. In one way or another, he and his mom must be suffering massively.”

I’ve thought a lot about this, and I can say without question that if I were in Dana’s position, I wouldn’t have reached that conclusion for another year and a half.

TOE job

A short while after reading Dana’s piece, I began listening to the latest episode of The Telepathy Tapes podcast. The guest was Tom Campbell, a physicist and pioneer in the field of consciousness research.

Campbell is known for creating what he calls “My Big TOE,” including a series of books under that umbrella. From his website:¹

Tom Campbell´s My Big TOE (Theory of Everything) is a revolutionary scientific model explaining why the physical universe emerges from consciousness – and how this gives purpose and meaning to our existence.

Campbell says we live in a virtual reality, no one really dies, and our bodies are just avatars that our consciousness currently inhabits. In that sense, his theory sounds like a much nerdier way of saying essentially the same things as most religions.

The difference is, he describes his TOE god—there’s a couple of words I never thought I’d pair up—as universal consciousness. He says that we all draw from, and contribute to, this vast data bank.

There’s a lot more to it, but that’s enough for our purposes. Maybe someday I’ll expound on my own theory of everything, which concerns pizza toppings.

So what’s the goal? What’s the point of this video game we’re all supposedly a part of? And why couldn’t it have been something more like Candy Crush instead of this shitty Grand Theft Auto knockoff?

According to Campbell, we’re meant to elevate our consciousness away from fear and toward love. That means love for everyone. This then elevates the universal consciousness. And that, in turn, results in more love, which benefits us all.

I don’t know if he’s a genius, a lunatic, or a grifter, but his overall message is certainly positive.

Expert opinions

Of course, none of this is new. A couple of thousand years ago, a guy named Jesus gave a sermon that took place atop a mount. I forget what it was called.

One of the things he said there was:

“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…”

Now, you’re probably thinking that on its surface, that sounds like a chore, like Jesus is telling us to clean our rooms and eat our vegetables. Where’s fun Jesus? The one who does magic tricks and flips over tables?

Jesus was a complex guy, but his whole thing was love, so this is very on-brand. Plus, many other influential figures have expressed similar sentiments.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” —Plato

“It is easy enough to be friendly to one's friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.” —Mahatma Gandhi

“In separateness lies the world’s greatest misery; in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” —Buddha

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” —The Dalai Lama

"Even the wicked deserve a shot at redemption." —Batman

As I said, I’ve learned that it’s not healthy to hold resentments. I try to be compassionate. So I wondered why I encountered those three messages the other day in quick succession.

Then I remembered that I wrote this, which included some choice words about a guy I know named John:

How to Use Antisocial Cues

And this, where I take my friend Gary (pseudonym) to task:

On Unsolicited Advice

And this recent one, where I eviscerate a colleague named Kat:

Begone, Bloodsuckers

Clearly, I have not attained enlightenment.

I don’t think being a little dark is bad, though. There’s a reason all of those quotes are from people who are universally exalted. Their words are aspirational. They give us something to work toward. And we should work toward them.

But look, we’re also human. While I do try to show compassion as a matter of course, I also think it’s worthwhile to call out selfish or poor behavior.

If John needs help with something, I’ll gladly give him a hand. But when he ignores my telling him that I have to leave and continues blathering on incessantly, I’m going to write about him.

If Gary is having a bad day, I’ll be there to listen. But when he starts giving me unsolicited advice about every possible thing, I’m going to write about him.

If Kat has trouble clearing the acrid stench of sulfur that she brings to every room she enters, well, I don’t care—she was fired last week. She can eat a bag of dicks.

In the bigger picture, you may have noticed that lately, compassion seems to be going out of style. I think it’s crucial that we don’t let it.

There’s another quote I like that I’ve seen attributed to various people, and I think it’s a pretty good mantra to embrace right now:

“Do no harm, but take no shit.”

1. https://www.my-big-toe.com/