On Unsolicited Advice

Who asked you?

I love my mom. She’s the kindest person I know. That’s probably why she feels compelled to tell me how to take care of myself every time I have a cold.

As you may suspect, I’ve had many colds in my life, the majority of which occurred after I moved out of my parents’ house. Colds are not new to me. Nor are the flu, strep throat, bronchitis, or other conditions that afflict human beings.

But my mother can’t help herself. That’s why I don’t tell her when I’m sick. Sometimes, though, she hears it in my voice. I’m just glad she can’t hear what’s in my head:

What’s that? Rest? Liquids? A decongestant? This stuff’s gold, mom. Pure gold.

Okay, maybe one of those has slipped out once or twice. I was sick. Cut me some slack.

Paging Dr. Know-it-all

I think about unsolicited advice the way I think about gonorrhea: I won’t give it to you, and I sure don’t want you giving it to me.

My mom’s habit is innocuous. But plenty of people like to weigh in on others’ more important medical matters.

A friend of mine I’ll call Gary is like that. No matter what ails you, Gary has the right prescription.

Don’t listen to your doctor. I don’t think that’s really what’s wrong with you. I’ll text you some supplements to take. And drink apple cider vinegar every day. You should really switch to my doctor. Tell him you know me and he’ll hook you up.

Hook me up? With what? A heaping jar of tongue depressors? A complimentary stethoscope?

Health-related issues are probably the most common category of unsolicited advice. Everyone’s had what you have, or knows someone who did. Everyone wants to be the one to fix you.

The thing is, any two people’s bodies can react to procedures and medications very differently. Your body might tolerate penicillin to fight infections but mine will break out in a rash. There are medications that help lift some people out of depression but make others want to harm themselves.

We’re not dealing with a one-size-fits-all subject here.

That reminds me: the only thing some people like more than acupuncture is telling other people to get acupuncture. Acupuncture is the air fryer of the healing world. Its evangelists are legion and zealous. I’ve tried it, so if you ever think of suggesting it to me, stick a pin in that.

Is the instinct to tell people what they should do, unbidden, born solely of altruism? Or could there be a second agenda, involving ego? That’s not for me to say.

Just kidding.

Help you to help me

I think the vast majority of unsolicited advice comes from people who sincerely want to help. I also think that a lot of those people also want to puff themselves up.

I should know. I was one of them.

I did want to help, but I also wanted to be seen as smart, and I kind of wanted to be in control of everything too. Eventually, I came to understand that what I was doing was highly assholish. I didn’t like that—or some other asshole-adjacent behaviors—about myself. So, I worked on cutting it out of my repertoire.

Obviously, I’m perfect now, so let’s get back to Gary. I should mention that in addition to knowing what to do in any given situation, Gary also always has a guy who’s the best at whatever that situation requires.

He’ll call just as you’re trying to fix, say, a broken garbage disposal. Then he’ll tell you why it broke and why another kind of garbage disposal is better, and do you use a water softener, and let me give you my plumber’s number. He’s a legend.

Mention that you’re thinking about planning a vacation and he’ll tell you where you should go, what time of year you should do it, where you should stay, where you should eat, and I’m going to put you in touch with my friend who goes there all the time. He’s practically a local now.

Gary’s a fixer. A problem-solver. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, there’s a lot right with it. He’s a great person, but I know him well enough to know that a big part of his motivation is that it strokes his ego. He loves to be the guy who knows everything and everyone. That’s why his advice is so often unsolicited; he can’t take the chance that you won’t solicit it.

There are plenty of well-meaning people like Gary. But there’s a whole other group that’s so much worse, and they’re growing.

If you subtract the part about honestly caring, you’re left with the folks who simply get off on telling people what to do. They see themselves as always being the smartest person in the room. They don’t realize how their “advice” can come across:

Insulting. You’re taking the position that you know more than I do about my own situation.

Self-important. You automatically assume that I want your pearls of wisdom and will sit at your feet as you drop them.

Telling. When you hijack my problem, the solution you offer says much more about you than it does me.

Potentially dangerous. There’s a galaxy of bullshit out there and you don’t come with a fact-checker. For all I know, your advice could be based entirely on a clickbaity Buzzfeed headline.

I see this trend as entitlement creep. People are acting a lot more arrogant than they used to, and I think this is a natural outgrowth of that. It doesn’t dawn on this crowd that their 89th bathroom-selfie isn’t wowing the internet, and they can’t fathom that someone might not be clamoring for their input.

But sometimes others just need to vent without anyone piping up to solve their problems.

A word of advice

Before you get all, “You’re breaking your own rule!” on me, my attorney assures me that your reading this is considered solicitation. So, don’t get any funny ideas.

Look, we all want to be helpful. Well, maybe not all. Certainly not Wendy’s employees. But most of us.

We also all have egos. We want to show off a little sometimes. All I’m saying is, before you jump to sharing your wise counsel, try something else first.

Ask.

Instead of: “Here’s what you should do.”

Say: “Can I offer you some advice?”

Instead of: “Listen to me.“

Say: “I have a thought. Care to hear it?”

Instead of: “I know exactly what you need.“

Say: “I might be able to help.”

This way, you’re showing the other person respect instead of treating them like your pontification punching bag. And you’re giving them the opportunity to say no. That may be hard to hear, but hey, it’s character-building.

I also have a few suggestions if you find yourself on the receiving end of this behavior. As the most unsolicited-advice-assaulted demographic there is, new moms may especially find this helpful.

Here are some responses you can try, ranging from polite to passive-aggressive to hostile.

“So helpful. Thank you.”

“Thanks, you’ve given me something to think about.”

“Interesting.”

“It’s uncanny how you always have an answer for everything. You should go on Jeopardy!”

“I forget—where did you go to medical school?”

“I have some advice for you too: get fucked.”

Turns out I was wrong a little earlier; I’m not perfect. I try not to give unsolicited advice, but I’m sure it still happens from time to time. (Rest assured that my gonorrhea promise still holds true.)

Fully kicking the habit takes practice and vigilance. Discipline. Self-awareness. It can be tricky.

I should call Gary. He’ll know what to do.