(Serial) Killer Holiday Gift Ideas
Finding last-minute presents can be murder
Originally published December 23, 2023, I’m reposting this piece because it’s new to 95% of you. I did the math.
If there’s two things people love, it’s thoughtful gifts and senseless crimes.
Consider: The true-crime genre makes up 24% of the top podcasts in the U.S.1 And then there’s Dateline. Keith Morrison ghoulishly saying things like, “But their seemingly perfect lives would soon take a dark turn” has kept that murder train rolling for 30 years.
As for considerate gifts, 99.9999% of people greatly appreciate them. The exception is my father who, one Christmas morning, unwrapped a present on which I’d spent a lot of thought and money, and responded with a head-shake and a dismissive “No no no no no.” A jolly time was had by all.
But that’s my problem. Your problem is that you’re in a bind and need a unique gift idea immediately. Well, rest easy—I have some suggestions, courtesy of a site I recently discovered, Cult Collectibles, which specializes in “murderabilia.”
Jeffrey Dahmer
Half amateur brain surgeon, half aspiring gourmand, and all serial killer, Jeffery Dahmer left behind a huge collection of items that you can purchase right now. Here are just a couple.
It’s ironic that the man who caused so many nightmares had trouble sleeping. His Halcion prescription can be yours for just $15,000.
This will “urn” you big points with the lucky recipient. It’s the former home of Dahmer’s remains, and it will set you back a cool $250,000.
David Berkowitz
For the reader in your life, here’s a page-turner straight from the cell of Son of Sam himself, with his handwritten notes inside. If the person you give it to is offended, just say your dog told you to do it. Only $800.
John Wayne Gacy
No clowning around, this three-page letter with signature is a true collector’s item. And for a find like this, the price is lower than a fetid crawl space: $700.
Richard Ramirez
Sure, the Night Stalker was infamously handy with a blade, but who knew he was such a cut-up? Perfect for the comedy-lover in your crowd, here’s a page of Ramirez’s jokes with hand-written notes. $150.
Ted Bundy
Serial killer. Escape artist. Heartthrob. Letter writer. Ted Bundy was nothing if not prolific. Any serious true-crime would pay handsomely for his signature. You can have it for a mere $2,500.
Manuel Noriega
Your favorite political junkie will flip for this hand-signed letter from the former Panamanian dictator. Don’t be surprised if jealous relatives stage a coup! Just $75.
The Manson Family
From Charlie’s family to yours, here are collectibles from two of Manson’s molls.
First up is a handwritten letter and envelope from Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme. Is it an apology to President Ford for that whole attempted assassination thing? You’ll have to read it to find out! $250.
Susan Atkins was convicted of murder for her part in the Manson Family’s reign of terror. While in prison, she got busy beading, creating this portrait on a piece of leather. The craft-lover in your life will go helter-skelter for this one-of-a-kind work of art. $1,000.
Jack Kevorkian
Known as “Dr. Death,” Kevorkian claimed to have helped at least 130 people commit suicide. But he also slayed with a paintbrush! Ideal for the artist in your family, here are just two of his understated masterpieces, hand-numbered and signed. $1,000 each.
These and plenty of other rarities are available now, so go place your order. And don’t forget to tell that special someone there’s a gift on the way that’s to die for.
"A Profile of the Top-Ranked Podcasts in the U.S.,” Pew Research Center.
You know, I didn't think you could top the stomach churning nature of the nose braids, but this post demonstrates you have gifts. And for the record, I think your father and my husband are kindred spirits. To be fair to my husband though, he does tell people not to get him gifts, because they'll only be disappointed with his reaction to them. I took his advice and stopped getting gifts for *all* the Scrooges in my life. These suggestions, on the other hand, might tempt me to break that oath.
Do me a favor, Chris? Don't get me anything this year. Your friendship is enough.
But wow, the Kevorkian art, that's tempting.