Penile Warfare

Hitting them where it hurts

One afternoon in Paris around a hundred years ago, Ernest Hemingway set the bar high for upholding the Bro Code.

As Hemingway recounted in A Moveable Feast, F. Scott Fitzgerald invited him to lunch to discuss a problem he was having.

After stalling for most of the meal, Fitzgerald finally revealed that his wife, Zelda, mocked him by saying the size of his gatsby wasn’t so great.

Hemingway dragged him into the men’s room, told Fitzgerald to whip it out, and promised to tell him the truth.

“You’re perfectly fine,” he said. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Fitzgerald still had doubts. Hemingway continued to assure him, after which his troubled friend asked a key question: “But why would she say it?”

“To put you out of business. That's the oldest way in the world of putting people out of business.”

As always, Hemingway was succinct. He was also correct.

The reason Zelda’s words stung Scott so much was because she was in a position to know. Maybe several positions.

In most cases, though, dick insults are thrown around with no actual knowledge of the organ’s size (or, in the original Latin: willy nilly).

Given that, it makes no sense to get upset by them. But man, people do get upset.

What’s interesting is how differently men and women fire these shots.

Members only

Men have a special attachment to their penises. In fact, it’s the most special attachment we have. That’s why the pecker putdown is so powerful.

This is usually a man-to-man offense, particularly young men. When someone’s being a complete knob, it’s the go-to method for cutting him off at the knees. Well, higher, really.

“Your dick’s so small, you could fuck a screen door.”

“When you were circumcised, they had to use an electron microscope.”

“You have less meat in your pants than a vegetarian restaurant.”

Dayum, son!

But really, who cares? Unless the offender is your doctor, on your swim team, or peeking at the urinal, he has no idea what you’re packing. Yet some dudes lose their minds over comments like these.

Usually, though, the insults are simpler and more straight to the point, like “micro-dick” or “needle-dick.” I once heard a guy call someone “tick dick,” which I admired for its originality.

One could infer that the reason some people get so mad is because these quips hit too close to the bone, but I don’t think that explains every case. It seems that merely suggesting that someone is challenged in the undercarriage is a cause for freakout, as if the words themselves somehow make you less of a man.

Perhaps a better indicator of manhood is the ability to let stupid shit said by witless goons roll off your back. Because, when you think about it, jeering someone’s johnson makes about as much sense as saying, “Your liver’s so ugly, it scares hepatitis away.” Unless you have x-ray vision, of course, in which case you really should be better than that.

It might take a while, but most men grow out of this phase, finding many other ways to belittle each other.

All that said, there are situations where trouser-snake-shaming thrives. That’s when it’s women’s time to shine.

Lady zingers

When a man who’s below average height acts like an imperious douchebag, they say he has a Napoleon Complex. He’s overcompensating, the thinking goes, trying to be ultra-tough to make up for what he perceives as a shortcoming.

As an aside, Napoleon’s height was actually a little above average for his time. British cartoonist James Gillray drew him as short and maniacal to illustrate what a petulant prick he was. I just learned that Gillray also dubbed him “Little Boney,” which sucks because now I have to come up with a new rap name.

Even if its namesake wasn’t particularly short, there’s probably something to the Napoleon Complex. But what about the other kind of stereotypical over-compensator?

Women have a remarkable ability to ferret these guys out. They seem to use some kind of secret formula to do it. I don’t know exactly what it is, but through my proprietary research I’ve determined that it’s something along the lines of:

(O x I) + (S x E) - C + A = PD¹

After all, not every man who buys a Lamborghini is compensating.

Not every man who purchases a yacht is compensating.

Not every man with an aerospace company that builds conspicuously cock-shaped rockets—you know what, two examples is plenty.

The point is, by employing the formula, women can suss out the ones who are compensating. The behavior is usually directed at them, anyway.

And when the arrogance and aggression kick in, that’s when women tend to call it out.

It’s the creep who points out that his watch is worth more than your house, sure that the line is a real panty-dropper.

It’s the louse who casually mentions that the G-Wagon he’s driving is just one of his seven cars, convinced that’ll make you wetter than his tear-stained pillow.

These kinds of instances are when the gloves come off, because when a man treats a woman like a shallow piece of meat, she has no qualms about attacking his.

There’s no magic wand

There are both men and women who want to end these kinds of comments, saying they reinforce toxic stereotypes—namely, that “manhood” is dependent on penis size.

I get it. There’s a valid point there. No one has control over their size, height, or any number of other physical characteristics. Making fun of someone’s body is never okay. And obviously, no one should ever pull a Zelda and shame a schlong they’ve gotten to know on a first-name basis. That’s cruel.

But I don’t think the remarks are going to stop. As long as there are dudes who display shitty behavior, people are going to hit them below the belt. Remember what Hemingway said: it’s the oldest way in the world of putting people out of business.

Maybe one way to lessen it would be to slow down the rapid increase in our GDP: Gross Domestic Putzes. We’re teeming with tools. It stands to reason that the fewer dicks we have mouthing off, the fewer dicks we’ll have to talk about.

1. (Ostentation x Insecurity) + (Superiority x Entitlement) - Chivalry + Aggression = Phallus Deficiency.