Lies We Should Stop Telling Each Other

They're not helping

There’s a quote that goes, “If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it, and you will even come to believe it yourself.”

It’s unfortunate that this piece of wisdom came from Satan’s taint-licker, Joseph Goebbels. But as the chief propagandist of the Nazi Party, he did know a thing or two about making people buy into insane bullshit.

On a much smaller and considerably more humane scale, throughout our lives we’ve all been told certain phrases over and over, usually to make us feel better. We repeat them over and over, usually to make someone else feel better.

These sayings are so engrained in us that we never stop to think about whether they’re actually true, let alone helpful.

Well, I did stop to think. What I found is that we lie more than George Santos on Tinder.

I’m talking about some of the “caring” lies. The “comforting” lies. The “on the surface this sounds like a universal truth, but upon closer inspection it’s utter nonsense” lies.

We need to stop. There’s too much lying going on out there as it is. Let’s at least control the deceit that we can.

With that in mind, here are five of the most egregious phrases we should drop immediately.

“There’s no such thing as a bad idea.” Shouted out by every brainstorming-session moderator, this statement is meant to help people overcome any reluctance they may have about sharing their thoughts with the group.

Sounds great, right? Yeah, unless you’re trying to get things done.

Bad ideas outnumber good ideas by a factor of a bazillion. That’s why good ideas are so valuable.

Somewhere along the line we decided to pretend this isn’t the case. We ignored the fact that not every thought deserves to graduate from brain to mouth. Some, maybe even most, need to be held back. I mean, if I said aloud every random idea that came into my head, I’d have been murdered, shunned, or committed years ago.

I was once in a brainstorming meeting where the goal was to come up with innovative, disruptive ways for a brand to break through the noise of a crowded category. A guy suggested they buy a Super Bowl ad. This is like you asking me to recommend a unique restaurant for a romantic evening, and I suggest having Bobby Flay come to your home, cook you dinner, chew the food for you, and kiss it into your mouth.

All I’m saying is, let’s not turn off our quality control filters so quickly. There’s nothing wrong with worrying you’re going to make a fool of yourself. In fact, it’s a really good idea.

“The customer is always right.” There was a time when this motto served us well. Businesses live or die by repeat customers and positive word of mouth. This is a pleasant expression that makes people feel like they’re in good hands.

But wait.

This utopian ideal was in the before times, when people were generally rational and reasonable. Before civilization devolved into the hellish assemblage of greedy, entitled monsters it is today. These days, things are closer to “the customer is always right about to blow a gasket.”

People now go to stores looking to start a fight. If you haven’t witnessed one of these confrontations in person, you’ve likely seen videos, often titled something like “Crazy woman freaks out on cashier” or “Old man yells at Walmart employees.” It’s like the Joker dumped a vat of Aggressive Asshole Serum into the city’s water supply.

Look for these human powder kegs at your local supermarket. There’s one clutching a 30-cent Ensure coupon like a winning Powerball ticket, indignantly demanding that it be honored even though it expired six months ago. There’s another having a meltdown because the guy slicing her pound of American cheese overshot it by half an ounce. Here’s a couple cutting the line because they’re in a hurry, and the people in front of them are obviously lesser beings who have nothing better to do than wait.

If I owned a store, I’d have a policy for my employees when dealing with these types. I’d instruct them to be as reasonable as possible for as long as possible, then feel free to unleash as much profanity as they care to use. Make an insufferable customer cry and you get a cash bonus on the spot.

“It’s all for the best.” This is supposed to make you believe that the terrible thing that just happened to you is in fact a blessing in disguise. Apparently, we’re talking Mission: Impossible-level disguises, as these blessings are often things like a devastating breakup, traumatic job loss, or some other brutal event.

Now, when going through something so painful, you might be tempted to regard the situation with a “glass is half-empty” outlook. Not so fast! Soon enough, your neighbor Rhonda will helpfully point out that your life-changing calamity is in fact all for the best.

Instead of trying to put lipstick on this pig, what if we simply accept that the pig is a pig, covered in mud and reeking to high heaven? What if we just say, “I’m so sorry.” Or, “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

Wouldn’t that really be for the best?

“Don’t worry, karma will get him.” Your financial advisor/brother-in-law Gary just emptied your entire family’s retirement accounts, left your sister, and disappeared in the Lesser Antilles with his 20-year-old daughter’s best friend. The wave of destruction he left behind is so severe the World Meteorological Organization is naming the next tsunami after him.

Your family is shattered. But here’s the good news, courtesy of Rhonda: karma will get him.

Rhonda believes life is fair, and that karma is the ethereal Equalizer, making its way around the world to right wrongs and serve up justice, Denzel-style.

Unfortunately, we can’t count on karma to carry out our revenge fantasies. Chances are, Gary is going to be just fine. It sucks, but you have to accept it and move on.

That said, if Gary should happen to get his dick stung off by a smack of jellyfish, we’ll know Rhonda was right and karma stepped in.¹

“Everything happens for a reason.” The granddaddy of them all. And the one where I run into trouble.

See, I kind of believe this. Or at least I want to. When everything seems to be going to hell, it’s comforting to think there’s a divine hand guiding all of this, that there’s a bigger picture we can’t see. I find it hopeful to believe that even if something hasn’t worked out for the best, it’s at least the way it’s supposed to be.

Even so, I recognize how obnoxious it sounds. If you’re standing among the charred ruins of your house, hearing Rhonda tell you “Everything happens for a reason” will make you want to set her on fire as well. If I’m being fair, I have to admit this isn’t any more helpful, or provably true, than the others. So, it has to go.

Look, with the possible exception of Costco’s no-questions-asked returns, honesty is still the best policy. But we’re living in confusing times. A lot of people with a lot of reach are spewing a lot of blatant, dangerous falsehoods.

So, don’t we owe it to each other to be straight-shooters as much as possible?

Which reminds me: Rhonda? I know you mean well, but we need to talk.

1. Yes, a group of jellyfish is called a smack. And a group of Rhondas is called a book club.