Oh boy. My father never drank Bud OR Heineken. He was gin & tonic, kir royale, mimosa kind of guy. Yes, yes, he was gay...but that's beside the point. And I have lots to say on the subject of sticking ones' finger in dikes...but I should probably save that for when I know you better. Let's just say, I'm in favor. McDonald's sucks. I worked there in high school. I don't think there was even a machine for ice cream back then. Hot apple pies were the main (and only) attraction at old Mickey D's. And those pies could send you to the ER for 3rd degree mouth burns if you ate it right out of the collapsible red sleeve. And Wendy's? Wendy's sucks, too. Heinz? Heinz rules. Hunts? Yes, we agree. Hunt's sucks. Coke or Pepsi? Coke! Always. You've given me hope that the secret ingredient is what you imply. Ah, the good old days (the 1980s, when "coke" was all the rage). Pepsi was marketed as a digestive. Pepsin was the root of that brand. Pepsin is a digestive enzyme. Pepsi? Pepsi sucks. And last up, my favorite! Scott. Because 1000 sheets last longer. Yes. That's true. I only buy Scott. I believe a little suffering is good for the soul. Scott? Scott sucks. But 1000 sheets DOES last longer, and doesn't leave any lint you-know-where. Love this, Chris. Thanks for making me laugh!
Hahahaha your whole comment is cracking me up, Nan. I’m all for everyone sticking their finger anywhere they want (with consent, obv). I just hope no one stuck one in a McDonald’s hot apple pie. Those things were like lava! I don’t know why Hunt’s doesn’t just throw in the towel already. They make other shit; stick with those things and cede the ketchup market to Heinz. They’re just embarrassing themselves at this point. I respect your position on Scott because you acknowledge that it sucks yet choose to subject yourself to it anyway. And the lint situation is real. Those creepy Charmin bears conveniently leave that part out. We should all probably just get bidets anyway. Thanks for reading, Nan! I’m glad you liked it!
Oh Chris. I’ve had my bidet since the height of the pandemic while I nervously stockpiled Scott tp. Was buying industrial bulk cartons of the stuff, 100 rolls per box. The prices
were exorbitant but there was something vaguely horrifying when I thought of running out. It felt very reassuring to know that if god forbid I ran out of Scott I had the bidet as backup. Mine is a bit of a bummer (oops! funny) because I cheaped out and bought the one that was cold water only. Seriously bracing, for real. I brace myself before I turn it on and even though I know what to expect I let out a little yipping yelp the second that icy water hits my nethers. Eek. Brrrrr.
I was super paranoid about running out of TP during the pandemic too. There was just no way I was going to let that happen. I’m shivering just thinking about your arctic bidet. I think they use one of those at Guantanamo if the water boarding doesn’t work. I’m fairly certain my digestive system would shut down if I knew that was waiting for me.
Oh my gosh, this was so funny! I read most of it, then called my partner over to hear them, and read it all again. So funny !!! Love your connections - Red light vs. Red light district, square with Wendy’s, Golden Arches chipping. Love it! Thank you for observing & thinking these and writing it up. I rarely actually laugh out loud when I read something on a screen, but this had me laughing. Love it love it!
You have a new career writing ad copy! Why be subtle when you can trash the competition with some well-chosen words and images. Now I want to see the art that illustrates one of those as I imagine it winning the cartoon contests similar to Robert Reich or The New Yorker. Really, the latter might accept one if it wouldn't be threatened with a libel suit for defamation. Regardless, good work. You now have me thinking about how to have the big Budweiser Clydesdales trampling cases of the competition. Thanks, Chris, for a good start for my Friday morning! PS I see the litte TM by the Scortt paper tissue but not the others. The others may come after you for copyright infringement. I have a story about that to share with you sometime, not here in the public domain!
I think you’re on to something. I’m serious. We like to talk a lot about authenticity in advertising. It’s time ad agencies practice what they preach. Authenticity is as authenticity does, damn it! Kudos Chris for holding our hypocritical feet to the fire.
The broken ice cream machine is no joke. It happens EVERY time. I was saddened to learn it's because I'm not elite, but at least I have closure now. Thank you for clearing that up, Chris.
Oh boy. My father never drank Bud OR Heineken. He was gin & tonic, kir royale, mimosa kind of guy. Yes, yes, he was gay...but that's beside the point. And I have lots to say on the subject of sticking ones' finger in dikes...but I should probably save that for when I know you better. Let's just say, I'm in favor. McDonald's sucks. I worked there in high school. I don't think there was even a machine for ice cream back then. Hot apple pies were the main (and only) attraction at old Mickey D's. And those pies could send you to the ER for 3rd degree mouth burns if you ate it right out of the collapsible red sleeve. And Wendy's? Wendy's sucks, too. Heinz? Heinz rules. Hunts? Yes, we agree. Hunt's sucks. Coke or Pepsi? Coke! Always. You've given me hope that the secret ingredient is what you imply. Ah, the good old days (the 1980s, when "coke" was all the rage). Pepsi was marketed as a digestive. Pepsin was the root of that brand. Pepsin is a digestive enzyme. Pepsi? Pepsi sucks. And last up, my favorite! Scott. Because 1000 sheets last longer. Yes. That's true. I only buy Scott. I believe a little suffering is good for the soul. Scott? Scott sucks. But 1000 sheets DOES last longer, and doesn't leave any lint you-know-where. Love this, Chris. Thanks for making me laugh!
Hahahaha your whole comment is cracking me up, Nan. I’m all for everyone sticking their finger anywhere they want (with consent, obv). I just hope no one stuck one in a McDonald’s hot apple pie. Those things were like lava! I don’t know why Hunt’s doesn’t just throw in the towel already. They make other shit; stick with those things and cede the ketchup market to Heinz. They’re just embarrassing themselves at this point. I respect your position on Scott because you acknowledge that it sucks yet choose to subject yourself to it anyway. And the lint situation is real. Those creepy Charmin bears conveniently leave that part out. We should all probably just get bidets anyway. Thanks for reading, Nan! I’m glad you liked it!
Oh Chris. I’ve had my bidet since the height of the pandemic while I nervously stockpiled Scott tp. Was buying industrial bulk cartons of the stuff, 100 rolls per box. The prices
were exorbitant but there was something vaguely horrifying when I thought of running out. It felt very reassuring to know that if god forbid I ran out of Scott I had the bidet as backup. Mine is a bit of a bummer (oops! funny) because I cheaped out and bought the one that was cold water only. Seriously bracing, for real. I brace myself before I turn it on and even though I know what to expect I let out a little yipping yelp the second that icy water hits my nethers. Eek. Brrrrr.
I was super paranoid about running out of TP during the pandemic too. There was just no way I was going to let that happen. I’m shivering just thinking about your arctic bidet. I think they use one of those at Guantanamo if the water boarding doesn’t work. I’m fairly certain my digestive system would shut down if I knew that was waiting for me.
Good stuff, Chris - reminds me of a disposable Dudley Moore movie named, “Crazy People” -
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crazy_People
Thanks, Bill! And I completely forgot about that movie! Speaking of Dudley, I need to give "Arthur" a rewatch at some point.
I have literally --- literally --- never had McDonald's ice cream. Not even a Shamrock Shake. And, well, not because I haven't tried.
Great piece, and a much-needed laugh, as always.
They’ve been getting away with this for too long! It has to stop!
Thanks for the priceless humor!
Thanks so much, David! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Oh my gosh, this was so funny! I read most of it, then called my partner over to hear them, and read it all again. So funny !!! Love your connections - Red light vs. Red light district, square with Wendy’s, Golden Arches chipping. Love it! Thank you for observing & thinking these and writing it up. I rarely actually laugh out loud when I read something on a screen, but this had me laughing. Love it love it!
Thank you so much, Jodi! I’m really glad you enjoyed it. Seriously—you made my night!
Something tells me I need to listen to this voice-over... Loved this, Chris!
Thanks, Amanda! And I did try hard to make this VO especially entertaining…
You’re onto something, but definitely gotta go all the way with the digs. Also, seems a good time to pop this old gem in the VHS player.
Next round will be much harsher
Sounds like someone’s angling for some lucrative sponsorship. Good work, Chris.
You see right through me, Ros!
Yes, yes, yes - and don't even get me started on Charmin's "enjoy-the-go" ad with the bears! What the &#(%?
Their whole “enjoy the go” thing is waaaaaaaay too aspirational
Oh man, I needed this after a few days of staying somewhere where the TV was on 24/7. Hilarious and palette cleansing!
Thanks so much, Lydia! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
You have a new career writing ad copy! Why be subtle when you can trash the competition with some well-chosen words and images. Now I want to see the art that illustrates one of those as I imagine it winning the cartoon contests similar to Robert Reich or The New Yorker. Really, the latter might accept one if it wouldn't be threatened with a libel suit for defamation. Regardless, good work. You now have me thinking about how to have the big Budweiser Clydesdales trampling cases of the competition. Thanks, Chris, for a good start for my Friday morning! PS I see the litte TM by the Scortt paper tissue but not the others. The others may come after you for copyright infringement. I have a story about that to share with you sometime, not here in the public domain!
Funny you should say that. My current career is writing copy (among other things)!
You mentioned the biggest problem: that pesky libel issue! Those laws really put a damper on the fun, don't they?
Speaking of which, I look forward to hearing about your copyright infringement escapades sometime!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Gary. I appreciate it!
Maybe an exchange after class tomorrow?
Is there a Zoom tomorrow? I don't have it on my calendar.
I think you’re on to something. I’m serious. We like to talk a lot about authenticity in advertising. It’s time ad agencies practice what they preach. Authenticity is as authenticity does, damn it! Kudos Chris for holding our hypocritical feet to the fire.
God, I'd love to see it happen, Ernie
“Are we dropping a deuce or giving our bum a facial?” Scott gets the job done
You can't argue with results
The broken ice cream machine is no joke. It happens EVERY time. I was saddened to learn it's because I'm not elite, but at least I have closure now. Thank you for clearing that up, Chris.
If it’s any consolation, it happens to me all the time too.
I'm glad to have you as an outcast friend. :)
Likewise!
Thanks for the laugh this morning!
Thanks for reading, Anne Marie!
Awesome! The ads can be downright mean.
Remember the Coke/Pepsi ad wars in the 1980s?
Were you ever approached to take the Pepsi Challenge, CK? I was...picked Pepsi.
I don’t think we can be friends anymore.
I understand. We had a good run.
No regrets, lovely. I'll always have great memories of the times we shared!