If All Ads Were Like Political Ads

Regular TV commercials are like a friendly golden retriever trying to coax you to play ball. Political ads are a different breed. They’re more like rabid Dobermans brawling to the death.

Sensing there’s an edge to be gained, some brands are starting to pivot to this more aggressive strategy, mimicking the cutthroat ads that people love so much from their elected officials.

Here’s a sneak peek at a few scripts that are currently being tested.

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For nearly 150 years, Budweiser has been an American classic. Steady. Reliable. Delicious. Your daddy drank Bud. His daddy drank Bud.

You know who drinks Heineken? The Dutch. And Heineken wants you to go Dutch too.

If Heineken has its way, you’ll be just another clog-wearing, tulip-sniffer with a funny haircut.

They do things differently over there.

Instead of pickups, they ride bicycles.

Instead of a sweet story about boys rafting down a river, they tell their kids the tale of a boy who stuck his finger in a dike. Is that the kind of message you want your children to hear?

And that’s not even the worst of it.

In America, a red light means stop. Not in Amsterdam. Right there in Heineken’s backyard is what they call a red light district, and the one thing they don’t do is stop. They go, go, go, all night long.

The Netherlands? More like the Nether-Regionsland.

And that’s another thing: why is Heineken’s homeland so shady about their identity? Sometimes they’re the Netherlands, other times they’re Holland.

Which is it? Are they deliberately trying to confuse you?

Don’t ask Heineken. They’re suspiciously quiet on the subject.

At Budweiser, we’re straight shooters. We just want you to have all the facts. And now that you do, have a seat. This Bud’s for you.

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Why doesn’t McDonald’s want you to have any ice cream?

Sure, they advertise their shakes and sundaes, but whenever you try to buy one, the ice cream machine is mysteriously broken.

But rather than tell you the truth, McDonald’s gaslights you. They want you to believe that those countless stories of McFlurry-deprived customers are a real nothingburger.

Sorry, Mickey D’s, but you can’t shake the facts: an undercover study by People for a Reliable Soft Serve revealed that McDonald’s employees told customers that their ice cream machines were inoperable 63% of the time.

It seems that when your founder is named Kroc, lying is in your DNA.

So what’s behind McDonald’s preventing you from getting their ice cream? The truth is, they don’t think you’re good enough.

Whistleblowers say that McDonald’s crew members are instructed to sell ice cream products exclusively to the elite. The beautiful. The powerful. If “the machine is broken,” that means you just don’t measure up.

We’re talking some real Illuminati stuff here.

Don’t look now, Ronald, but the gold paint is McFlaking off those arches, revealing the rot at their core.

At Wendy’s, our machines work for you. You can get a Frosty anytime you want, judgment-free.

That’s because, from our juicy burgers to our stellar service, you’ll always get a square deal at Wendy’s.

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We’d like to thank you, America, for making Heinz the iconic brand that it is. Wherever you sit down to enjoy your favorite foods, Heinz is always there.

Well, almost always.

Every once in a while, at a cut-rate roadside diner or bowling alley, you’ll find a bottle of Hunt’s on the table, its lid fused shut by a revolting, rust-colored crust.

That’s no accident. Because while Heinz is the original flavor maker, Hunt’s is only interested in the taste of revenge.

Here’s what Hunt’s doesn’t want you to know. After Heinz’s victory in the ketchup wars, the terms of the Condiment Convention stated that Hunt’s was to cease providing their acidic nose-punch of a product to any restaurant or other food-serving business.

So why do they still turn up in the odd luncheonette and deli? Two words: bribes and kickbacks.

Hunt’s is a group of anarchists who’ve vowed to cause harm to good people like you in whatever small way they can. Like paying off the manager of some greasy spoon for the cheap thrill of defiling your hash browns with their vile, vinegary concoction.

Yuck.

We just thought you should know the truth. Even though the truth can be hard to swallow. Just like Hunt’s.

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When you buy a soft drink for your family, value is important. So are values.

That’s why it’s so strange that a cola built on the back of a terrible narcotic continues to flaunt its drug-fueled legacy.

Did you know that Coca-Cola was invented by a morphine addict? Is it any wonder that one of its original ingredients was cocaine?

That’s right, Coke was born from coke.

Now, Coca-Cola says they stopped putting cocaine in their beverage in 1903. But they also famously have a top-secret recipe that they refuse to reveal.

Why is that? What are they hiding? And if they’re so anti-cocaine, why did they never change their name?

It’s all just a little curious.

At Pepsi, we’ve always been—and will always be—100% drug-free.

We love being part of your family memories: your birthday parties, your holiday celebrations, your weekly movie nights.

We’re honored that you welcome us into your home, and we’d never betray that by smuggling in some blow and getting your children gacked out of their skulls.

That’s the Pepsi promise.

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When our ancestors did their business, they cleaned up with whatever they had lying around. Leaves. Bible pages. People even shoved corn cobs up there to get the job done.

Then came the invention of toilet paper. At Scott, we were a pioneer, making it just tolerable enough to be better than a pinecone, but not so comfortable that you didn’t dread the experience.

We’re sad to say that our country’s going soft. Not everything should be a luxurious affair. Some things are meant to be awkward and unpleasant.

But don’t tell that to the folks at Charmin.

Charmin tries to spin this horrid bodily function as a delightful romp, with two-plied rolls of soft, absorbent paper. They boast about their “wavy edge” that gives you a “smoother tear.” One of their products even has aloe.

Are we dropping a deuce or giving our bum a facial?

At Scott, we focus on innovation where it really matters. We were the first to put TP on a roll. And that’s where we stopped. Because our paper is perfectly fine as is for the task at hand. It’s nothing to get fancy about.

If you ask Charmin, they’d probably scoff and say that Scott is about nothing more than efficiency and utilitarianism.

To that we say, you bet your ass.

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