You Are Not a Computer Program

Three reasons why we can't be living in the matrix

Le Secret Double by René Magritte

There are serious academics—physicists and other scientists among them—who think we’re all fake. Not like, “It’s so good to see you” fake. Like, we-don’t-really-exist fake.

They say we’re nothing more than avatars being controlled by an algorithm or even someone playing a video game. I’ve suffered some indignities in my life, but being told I’m essentially a Mario Brother hurts.

Some call it the matrix, after the groundbreaking movie. Others call it a simulation. One man who believed this was author Philip K. Dick. You can find videos of him talking about it to an audience who was not expecting to hear it. Another is Rizwan Virk.

Virk is a computer scientist, venture capitalist, professor, and author. Last year, he released the second edition of his book, The Simulation Hypothesis: An MIT Computer Scientist Shows Why AI, Quantum Physics, and Eastern Mystics All Agree We Are in a Video Game.

He’s been on a lot of podcasts discussing his spin on this subject. If you’re interested in learning more about the whole simulation thing, a good place to start is with Virk.

But really, don’t bother. I’m going to lay out three reasons why it’s sheer nonsense.

Reason 1: Intellect

Suppose for a second that the simulation fans are right, that our entire universe is a computer program, and that this drives what every living being does at every second. It would take an unimaginably advanced civilization to create something like that.

So why would they program us to be so fucking stupid?

I mean, let’s face it: we’re not the brightest stars in the galaxy:

• About 10% of us think the Earth is flat. An additional 9% say they aren’t sure.

• Over 25% of us think the sun revolves around the Earth.

• 10% of Americans think the moon landing was a hoax. But good news, Yanks! A full 25% of Europeans believe that.

Now, before we continue, I think it’s important to recognize that if we are living in a simulation, then there isn’t really an Earth, sun, or moon, which means we’re all wrong.

Moving on. You have to wonder why such a race of brilliant whatever-they-ares would be interested in such dubious innovations as:

• Vomit-flavored jelly beans

• Labubu fever

• Cuddle parties

• Hotel soap the size of a Nilla Wafer

• Butt implants

What purpose would this type of idiocy serve for these beings? If they’re so vastly ahead of us technologically, why would they want to watch us struggle to move apps into folders on our phone screens?

Is it realistic to think that they keep having us make Jackass movies because they love seeing Steve-O staple his sack to his thigh? Are they fascinated to see how many versions of Housewives Bravo can create? Why Kid Rock?

None of it adds up.

Reason 2: Value

Whether you’re a gamer or not, you can understand the appeal of becoming someone else in a fabricated but realistic world.

There are those, like Virk, who believe that’s exactly what some unknown culture is doing, and that we’re their video game characters.

Let’s think about this. In Call of Duty, you’re a soldier fighting an enemy threat. In Resident Evil, you fight zombies and deadly bioweapons. In Sonic the Hedgehog, you…eat bugs and sleep, I guess? Who cares. You get the picture.

What do you suppose the appeal would be of inhabiting the character of a middle-aged writer with seasonal allergies, back problems, and a propensity to spill food on his clothes? What’s my “hero’s quest”? Powering up my subscriber list? Collecting DoorDashed burritos? Achieving the coveted title of Nap Lord?

Who or what is entertaining themselves by having me eat a bowl of granola or paint a door? How boring must their life be that watching me watch YouTube videos about productivity software is a fun escape?

If this were a video game, wouldn’t every “person” on what we’re programmed to think of as Earth be rich and living it up? What gamer would decide, “I want to be a character who starts balding in high school and can’t look women in the eye,” or “Mine is going to spend countless hours shit-talking online and have terrible credit”?

What are they getting out of this?

But let’s shut down the game theory and get back to the general simulation argument. In computer simulations, you run scenarios to see potential outcomes when trying to solve or prevent problems. They’re designed to provide answers.

Consider the criteria someone would have had to enter for a simulation to be behind the colossal shit show we’re living in:

Explore ways a society can destroy itself.

Run it again, increasing avarice by 40%.

Crank up the fossil-fuel burning and chemical waste in the waterways.

This isn’t going fast enough. Dial down critical thinking by 60%.

More high-fructose corn syrup and microplastics. Really ramp it up.

Ridiculous.

Reason 3: Science

I’d now like to get into materialism and quantum mechanics, so I can disprove the matrix theory scientifically.

I’d like to, but I’m a dope.

Instead, think about this:

• We’ve only explored about 5% of the Earth’s oceans. There are likely millions of species down there that we don’t know about yet. And I bet most of them would scare the shit out of us.

• Back on land, we keep finding living examples of species that we thought were long extinct, like the Coelacanth or Kevin Spacey.

• About 95% of the universe is made up of dark matter and dark energy. We don’t know what those are or how to measure them. They’re basically space crypto.

• Like Martinizing, we know what gravity does, but we don’t know what it is.

• There’s growing consensus that the Big Bang—the universe’s origin story we’ve been hearing since 1927—may not have happened. As Sheldon Cooper might say, “Bazinga!”

The point is, we know very little about Earth or the universe, and the things we think we know often turn out to be wrong. That’s what science is. Trial and error. High confidence in a theory, a head-spinning humbling, and a new theory.

So when certain physicists say they’re sure we live in a simulation, they’re only simulating confidence in something they have no way of knowing.

And Virk? One thing I left out of his bio earlier is that he’s a video game industry veteran, and a venture partner at Griffin Gaming Partners, one of the world’s largest video game venture capitalist funds.

I don’t know, isn’t this a little like Milton Hershey having a theory that dark matter is made up of chocolate?

While I don’t believe our world is a simulation, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not going to affect the way you live your life, if you’re indeed really living it at all.

But if I’m wrong, if we’re all just code in a computer program, I have a request of whoever’s controlling me: more subscribers, burritos, and naps, please.

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Hey, have you watched Funny Story yet? It’s a show where Shelly Mazzanoble and I surprise each other with a weird, absurd, or outright insane item from the news. As it always does, hilarity ensued in this week’s episode.

In-car Defecation and a Waymo Infestation

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