We're So Confused About Nipples

It's about time we define breast practices

It was Logan’s Run.

That was the first time I saw a woman’s breasts.

Logan’s Run is a 1976 science fiction movie that takes place in the year 2274. What’s left of the human race lives in a domed city, a sort of utopia in which people are free to pursue a hedonistic lifestyle.

But there’s a catch. When you reach the age of 30, the party’s over. They kill you.

Michael York played the titular Logan, while Jenny Agutter played the tits-out Jessica.

I’m pretty sure my parents knew nothing about this movie before letting me watch it. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

PL (post-Logan), my relationship with breasts progressed as one would expect of a heterosexual male. That is to say, I’m a fan.

While my stance is straightforward, the U.S.’s position is decidedly not. Where breasts—in particular, nipples—are concerned, our cups runneth over with ambivalence.

The law’s the law. Unless it isn’t.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. We all have nipples. Men are allowed to show them in public. Women are not.

Except that’s not entirely true. Currently, it’s legal in 33 states for women to be topless in public. However, don’t make yourself too comfortable just yet; there are cities and other municipalities within them that have passed ordinances overriding the states. Which is unconstitutional.

The point is, before you go taking the girls out for a night on the town, you’d best consult your local laws.

Also note that even in places where it’s legal, you could still be arrested for public indecency. That wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world because you’d be able to sue the city, and you’d win. Combine that with the money you’re already saving on bras and tops, and you’d be sitting pretty.

It’s not shocking that the law is muddled when you consider our extremely confusing societal norms.

Ta-ta, rationality

We don’t know what to be offended by. This is true in so many categories, but the gray area when it comes to nipples is enormous. (If your nipples have a gray area of any size, consult your physician.) It’s just strange that some nipples are considered obscene and others aren’t.

Men’s and women’s nipples are like Bryce Dallas Howard and Jessica Chastain: they’re sometimes difficult to tell apart, yet one is objectively better than the other. Women’s are used to feed their babies. Men’s are only good for inflicting searing pain in the form of titty twisters.

The question, then, is why is it proper for women to show an entire breast except for that one part—the same part that men show all the time?

Think of it like this: you have a pencil. Community standards dictate that you’re free to take that pencil out in public, provided you cover the eraser. But if you have a pen with one of those completely useless erasers, no cover is necessary.

There are plenty of men with larger breasts than many women, and you see them doffing their shirts while mowing the lawn, horking down a disgusting plate of stadium nachos, strolling the beach, or whatever the fuck. It’s moobapalooza out there.

That leads me to believe that as a society, we evaluate our nipples by context. No matter who you are, you can show as much breast tissue as you’ve got. If that tissue is the result of poor nutritional choices or a hormonal irregularity, we welcome your nipples, no questions asked. If that tissue grew naturally, as it was supposed to, your nipples are an affront to society.

But just when you think you have it figured out, along comes another situation that throws everything into question again.

Topping off

There’s a reality show called 90 Day Fiancé. There are also so many spinoffs that the franchise could have its own network. (Yes, I’ve watched some of these. No, I’m not proud of it.) One season, one of these shows featured a guy named Gabe.

Gabe is a transgender man. He would sometimes appear shirtless. Late in the season he revealed that he hadn’t had top surgery.

Now, stay with me. Pre-hormone replacement therapy, Gabe didn’t have much breast tissue, but he wouldn’t have been allowed to be shirtless on TV. Post-therapy, he had a bit more muscle, but his nipples remained, um, prominent? Lengthy? Pronounced? I don’t know, man, I feel like I’m walking a razor-wire tightrope over a shark tank here. I’m doing the best I can.

The point is, his nips were literally the only things about him that would make you even think to question his original gender. Gabe said so himself. Yet there he was on basic cable, with those things poking out like a couple of meat thermometers.

Don’t get me wrong, if Gabe’s happy, I’m happy for him. I fully support him. But doesn’t that further illustrate how convoluted our thinking is about who can show what, and when? I mean, his case isn’t even really the typical double-standard. It’s more like a triple-standard once removed.

Think of the children!

One of the most common arguments against nipplemania sweeping the nation is that many people feel it’s inappropriate for kids to see women’s breasts. It’s indecent. Granted, Logan’s Run hardly traumatized me, but that was on a screen. We need to protect young eyes from seeing anything so inappropriate in public.

Okay, better stay off the roads:

In or out?

There’s an organization called Free the Nipple that’s been fighting for over a decade to make it legal for women to go topless in public. Their efforts are a big part of why so many states have gotten on board.

Look, this isn’t my fight. I have no skin in the game. Please don’t misconstrue my words here as a pervy plea to stage a national production of Hair.

My objection is to the rampant inconsistencies and hypocrisy. It’s frustrating when situations that could easily be figured out devolve into massive clusterfucks. And this is a clusterfuck. That offends me, not nubby chest protuberances.

I just want clarity. I think we all do. Yes, we have states’ rights, and different states do things differently, but something so fundamental shouldn’t be acceptable in Austin, TX, but taboo in Tempe, AZ. Copacetic in Columbus, OH, but forbidden in Fort Wayne, IN.

Aren’t we divided enough already? Couldn’t we use an issue that gives us something to agree on, something that brings us together?

Let’s chart a course. Let’s flip on our high beams and start heading down the road of resolution.

I think it would benefit us all to have a clear consensus on where we stand on this matter so that we might find a way forward and end all the ridiculous ambiguity.

As things stand, we’re acting like a bunch of boobs.