The Corporate Martyrdom Games

These people work hard and want you to know it

With the summer Olympics underway in Paris, it seems like a good time to shine a light on a longstanding-yet-uncelebrated competition here in the U.S.

The Corporate Martyrdom Games are a year-round event where millions of people compete against each other with stories of the self-imposed sacrifices they’ve made for their jobs.

Fueled by caffeine, a lack of boundaries, and a dearth of hugs when they were children, these warriors work around the clock while neglecting their personal lives and health. But something they never neglect is the chance to one-up each other with tales of missed school plays, angry spouses, and sleepless nights bathed in PowerPoint’s soft, sad glow.

You see them in action all the time:

• On a weekly 3:00 video call, a frazzled manager routinely tells the group he has to “keep my camera off because this is the first chance I’ve had to eat all day.” The regular repetition helps cement his legacy as a busy, busy man whose hunger to be a company loyalist outweighs his actual hunger.

• A colleague faux-apologetically responds to emails at 12:30 am, because “I haven’t slowed down since this morning.” Knowing her boss’s boss is copied on this chain, hitting “Send” gives her a thunderous orgasm.

• An IT guy who’s been nursing a bad cough for weeks tells you he’s fine, and takes great pains to slip in that he’s always so buried in work that he hasn’t had time to make a doctor’s appointment in four years. If they could, his dead, glassy eyes would beam with pride.

• A brand director spends the entirety of her daughter’s soccer game with her head down, knocking out bullet points on her phone for a presentation, because she can’t trust anyone who works for her to do it right. Missing her child’s first goal is a small price to pay for being able to use that fact to make her team feel guilty.

These people work hard, and then work nearly as hard to tell you how hard they’re working.

Because—in case there’s any doubt—what they do is important!

I used to work with a woman who once emailed clients from the delivery room while she was in labor. Rumor has it she later used her placenta as a laptop stand.

Technically, the Games have no winners. That’s kind of the point; martyrs don’t get medals. For Corporate Martyrs, the goal is simply to perpetuate the self-image that their extreme efforts are necessary—nay, critical—to the company, the industry, and the country’s GDP. Everything would fall apart without them.

Because—believe me when I tell you—they’re important!

Though there’s certainly competition among the Martyrs, there’s also a kinship that comes from knowing that no matter how they’re faring in the Games, they’re killing it compared to the losers who are too soft to play.

Like the Work/Life Balance Brigade.

Sure, the Martyrs give lip service to maintaining a healthy work/life balance. After all, it’s part of the company line, along with chestnuts like “we’re a family here” and “you’re our most important asset” and “we want you to feel heard and empowered.” The Martyrs have those talking points down pat.

The problem is, some people take those things literally, if you can believe that. And the Work/Life Balance Brigade is the most vocal of the bunch.

Consider this recent exchange on LinkedIn. A woman named Stephanie Brown posted the following:

While she got plenty of support from other Work/Life Balance Brigadiers, the Martyrs saw an opportunity to pounce.

As you read these comments (slightly edited for length), keep in mind that she said this was a pre-work meeting. And she didn’t say that she arrives at the gym at 8:30, just that that meeting time wouldn’t work with her planned session.

Tim N.: “Part of why America is where it is. Work ethic and responsibility are back burner.”

Thom H.: “And you couldn't reschedule your life for that one morning and go to the gym at 7:30 am that morning instead of 8:30 because.??? Is the gym closed that early? Doubt it.”

Ian C.: “OK I have never understood the gym session thing. Why do you need to have a session or time to look after yourself.”

Carrie M.: “I rearrange my schedule around what is needed for work. I've never considered it something that is crossing my boundaries. Has that made my life difficult over the years? Absolutely, yes. Give and take. I have given more than I've taken though, this is true.”

Christopher K.: “That's just not right. You never skip an 8:30am meeting for the gym. It's weird and odd. It's not focusing on what's important.”

Personally, I don’t think what Stephanie did was problematic, although I do find her public grandstanding about it to be as obnoxious as Andy Dick after three margaritas.

Let’s face it: she set herself up for these responses.

The Martyrs see Stephanie as selfish for putting her needs ahead of the company’s. When you don’t do that, anyone who does is “weird and odd.”

While most bickered about the time of the meeting, and how Stephanie should have rearranged her schedule, only one saw the bigger picture and questioned the need for outside interests at all. That’s why Ian C. is today’s MVP of the Corporate Martyrdom Games.

Though he phrased it like an alien trying to sound human, his question is important: “Why do you need to have a session to look after yourself?”

Congratulations to Ian, and to all the Martyrs. You’re an inspiration. Now, back to work.