The coccyx!!! Broke mine roller skating at 35 or something. Some a-hole tagged me and I went down. Spent the next year sitting on a donut for it to heal!
Dude this was hilarious and unfortunately hits home with me and some of the ridiculous calamities that my body has endured. Including slashing that same part of my mouth, with equal amounts of blood. Not pretty!
Thanks, Henny! I'm sorry you've had the misfortune of slashing your mouth open like that too (along with your other calamities). It's really a shocking amount of blood for what couldn't have been that big of a cut, isn't it?
"Your only saving grace is that you’ve run out of arms." Please take good care of your writing hands and your typing fingers, Chris! We need your humor.
We must be related. I felt like I was reading the story of my life. Never broke my arms. but I once jammed my 2nd toe when I pulled hard on a door that was swollen shut. Damn, it hurt! Lots of coccyx bruises, and no power tool mishaps because I HIRE PEOPLE TO DO STUFF THAT REQUIRES THEM. My great talent is falling. Tripping on invisible rocks, cracks, etc. Do you remember the George Carlin bit when he talks about how people always look behind them when they trip. Every time I trip I try to resist looking back to prove him wrong and I can never do it. And then I laugh out loud while I weep with the pain of a bruised knee and ego. Every one in my world who cares about me breathed a huge sigh when I finally stopped riding a motorcycle. Just how many times can a girl drop a bike and live to tell about it? The odds were against me. But walking is dangerous too. Thanks for re—running this piece, Chris. I’m glad I got to read it. And please, let’s not talk about Wheat Thins. Brings up all kinds of PTSD. I was happy to see that you already had a relationship with Julia Child. One other question. Pisces or Aries?
I love that you remember the GC bit. I was pretty young the first time I heard him do it. Always stuck with me.
Never seriously injured on bike. But it was really embarrassing to do it over and over. Always slow moving. Shitty shifting in a turn. The worst part was having to flag down big strong men to help me lift the bike either off of me, pinned underneath or just off the ground. Talk about painful. Ego-bruises are sometimes worse than the flesh and blood stuff.
I used to watch his specials a lot. I saw him live a few times too. He was incredible.
Yeah, I would think that dropping a bike like that would get old after a few times. I can see why your friends and family were relieved when you packed it in!
He was a genius. No one like him. Never saw a show, but loved him so much. And yes, everyone was happy when the klutz retired her bike. But recently, I had to renew my driver's license, and they asked if I wanted to maintain my motorcycle license too, and I couldn't resist paying extra for that to remain in place. You never know...
Right, I have to be prepared to steal someone's scooter when I'm running for my life if the election goes sideways. I wouldn't want to be pulled over while stealing, for operating a vehicle without a proper license. Oh, just shoot me now.
I do remember that George Carlin bit! That’s too funny. Did you ever get seriously hurt on your a motorcycle? (Off your motorcycle, really.) I’m sorry I didn’t think to put a Wheat Thins trigger warning at the beginning. A huge miss on my part. As for my sign, I’m an Aries through and through.
<stifled laughter> Oh boy, this is like a "best mishaps of Stantonland" episode of "Funniest Home Videos". I particularly liked the breaking arms, which could only be topped by breaking both arms at the same time. A friend of mine did that. Guess which sporting ball was involved? I think some Halloween candy might be in order. Oh, that's right, you've been there, eaten that...
I’m so glad I grew up before the age of cell phones recording your every move at all times. There’s no video evidence of any of my mishaps. How in the world did your friend break both arms? And a basketball was involved? Was it made of concrete and dropped on them from a great height?
I'm told the edge of the court was very close to a wall and running at speed was involved, though I'm taking her word for it. She was known to be a tad uncoordinated. ;)
Where you are concerned, I don't need video evidence, your words paint the perfect picture. I'm still giggling. And then feeling bad for giggling. But mostly giggling. 😝
Well, that sucks about your friend who may or may not have been lying about how she sustained her injuries. (I’m thinking she came up short in repaying a gambling debt.) But I’m glad you’re giggling. Don’t ever feel bad for that. That’s why we’re here!
Good god you shouldn’t be leaving the house any more. Almost had to stop reading at the hedge trimmer part because power yard tool injuries are one of my phobias. Hope you stayed safe this Halloween (and in general)!
I think you’ll be relieved to hear that this year I hired someone to trim the hedge. A man has to know his limitations…ad then hurt himself one more time just to make sure. Hope you and the family had a great Halloween!
OMG. Is accident-prone your middle name? I’ve had a mouth full of blood too. When I was 10. I bit my tongue when I hit my chin on the monkey bar. Weird feeling. I ran to the infirmary dripping blood the whole way. Later I was bummed because I couldn’t eat pizza for a few weeks. I still have a scar on my tongue.
However, I can sympathize. I'm kinetically challenged, but also agile as a cat, so I usually evade blades and basketballs and knee-jabs and drainage ditches fairly well.
Maybe in the future, safety drones can accompany you whenever you attempt ... well, I guess, anything. ;-)
I think the fact that I’ve survived this long says something about my resilience. I didn’t even mention the handful of car accidents, none of which were my fault.
Oh my gosh!! You can even make serious injuries sound funny. But do us a favor try and keep all of your limbs. Especially your arms, hands and fingers!
Sounds like the proverbial walking accident waiting to happen. Egads, man. You don't need enemies, you need to wear a wire cage, of course one that would allow riding a bicycle, shooting hoops and trimming hedges. Happy Halloween regardless. You have more than enough horror stories for the season. Be careful? Not sufficient. Be more or most careful and exercise extreme caution with every move.
When you stop to consider that these accidents have been spread out across a lifetime…ah, who am I kidding, it’s still pretty bad. But it’s been several years now since the last one. So that’s something!
Sounds like you have a good streak going in your favor. Any explanations about why that may be? Given a few of my “accidents” like falling 30’ from a stadium press box, a bad car wreck and a few other mishaps, I feel blessed to still be here, racking up the years, one by one.
No broken bones, some bruises and limped to a house where my swim teacher lived and she called my parents. I was stupidly trying to climb up to the roof on the outside wall and it was a sheer drop, in slow motion, as if they ground came up to meet me. It was a small high school stadium not a big stadium so that’s why just 30’. I recall the doc saying I would probably have “water on the knee” due to the trauma of hitting the ground, landing on my feet, and one leg must have taken most of impact. I’ll chalk it up to beyond me, and others, to understand how I landed mostly unscathed.
The coccyx!!! Broke mine roller skating at 35 or something. Some a-hole tagged me and I went down. Spent the next year sitting on a donut for it to heal!
Ugh! It’s horrible, isn’t it?
Please take care, Chris 😂 The mother in me has many concerns
Hahaha thanks, Sara. I have an “Incident Free for XX Days” hanging on my wall like a car factory.
Keep up the good (safe) work!
Dude this was hilarious and unfortunately hits home with me and some of the ridiculous calamities that my body has endured. Including slashing that same part of my mouth, with equal amounts of blood. Not pretty!
Definitely. I thought for sure I had multiple teeth that were gonna fall out 🤣
Thanks, Henny! I'm sorry you've had the misfortune of slashing your mouth open like that too (along with your other calamities). It's really a shocking amount of blood for what couldn't have been that big of a cut, isn't it?
"Your only saving grace is that you’ve run out of arms." Please take good care of your writing hands and your typing fingers, Chris! We need your humor.
Thanks, Amanda! I'm doing my best... : )
We must be related. I felt like I was reading the story of my life. Never broke my arms. but I once jammed my 2nd toe when I pulled hard on a door that was swollen shut. Damn, it hurt! Lots of coccyx bruises, and no power tool mishaps because I HIRE PEOPLE TO DO STUFF THAT REQUIRES THEM. My great talent is falling. Tripping on invisible rocks, cracks, etc. Do you remember the George Carlin bit when he talks about how people always look behind them when they trip. Every time I trip I try to resist looking back to prove him wrong and I can never do it. And then I laugh out loud while I weep with the pain of a bruised knee and ego. Every one in my world who cares about me breathed a huge sigh when I finally stopped riding a motorcycle. Just how many times can a girl drop a bike and live to tell about it? The odds were against me. But walking is dangerous too. Thanks for re—running this piece, Chris. I’m glad I got to read it. And please, let’s not talk about Wheat Thins. Brings up all kinds of PTSD. I was happy to see that you already had a relationship with Julia Child. One other question. Pisces or Aries?
I love that you remember the GC bit. I was pretty young the first time I heard him do it. Always stuck with me.
Never seriously injured on bike. But it was really embarrassing to do it over and over. Always slow moving. Shitty shifting in a turn. The worst part was having to flag down big strong men to help me lift the bike either off of me, pinned underneath or just off the ground. Talk about painful. Ego-bruises are sometimes worse than the flesh and blood stuff.
I used to watch his specials a lot. I saw him live a few times too. He was incredible.
Yeah, I would think that dropping a bike like that would get old after a few times. I can see why your friends and family were relieved when you packed it in!
He was a genius. No one like him. Never saw a show, but loved him so much. And yes, everyone was happy when the klutz retired her bike. But recently, I had to renew my driver's license, and they asked if I wanted to maintain my motorcycle license too, and I couldn't resist paying extra for that to remain in place. You never know...
Hahaha that's awesome. Hey, you have to be ready for anything, right?
Right, I have to be prepared to steal someone's scooter when I'm running for my life if the election goes sideways. I wouldn't want to be pulled over while stealing, for operating a vehicle without a proper license. Oh, just shoot me now.
I do remember that George Carlin bit! That’s too funny. Did you ever get seriously hurt on your a motorcycle? (Off your motorcycle, really.) I’m sorry I didn’t think to put a Wheat Thins trigger warning at the beginning. A huge miss on my part. As for my sign, I’m an Aries through and through.
I would have been surprised if you said you were a Pisces. I’m a fish girl!
<stifled laughter> Oh boy, this is like a "best mishaps of Stantonland" episode of "Funniest Home Videos". I particularly liked the breaking arms, which could only be topped by breaking both arms at the same time. A friend of mine did that. Guess which sporting ball was involved? I think some Halloween candy might be in order. Oh, that's right, you've been there, eaten that...
I’m so glad I grew up before the age of cell phones recording your every move at all times. There’s no video evidence of any of my mishaps. How in the world did your friend break both arms? And a basketball was involved? Was it made of concrete and dropped on them from a great height?
I'm told the edge of the court was very close to a wall and running at speed was involved, though I'm taking her word for it. She was known to be a tad uncoordinated. ;)
Where you are concerned, I don't need video evidence, your words paint the perfect picture. I'm still giggling. And then feeling bad for giggling. But mostly giggling. 😝
Well, that sucks about your friend who may or may not have been lying about how she sustained her injuries. (I’m thinking she came up short in repaying a gambling debt.) But I’m glad you’re giggling. Don’t ever feel bad for that. That’s why we’re here!
Good god you shouldn’t be leaving the house any more. Almost had to stop reading at the hedge trimmer part because power yard tool injuries are one of my phobias. Hope you stayed safe this Halloween (and in general)!
I think you’ll be relieved to hear that this year I hired someone to trim the hedge. A man has to know his limitations…ad then hurt himself one more time just to make sure. Hope you and the family had a great Halloween!
That is a huge relief!
OMG. Is accident-prone your middle name? I’ve had a mouth full of blood too. When I was 10. I bit my tongue when I hit my chin on the monkey bar. Weird feeling. I ran to the infirmary dripping blood the whole way. Later I was bummed because I couldn’t eat pizza for a few weeks. I still have a scar on my tongue.
Be careful. Hehe.
I’ve survived a lot of things, but the thought of not being able to eat pizza for a week sends shivers down my spine 😉
Good lord.
However, I can sympathize. I'm kinetically challenged, but also agile as a cat, so I usually evade blades and basketballs and knee-jabs and drainage ditches fairly well.
Maybe in the future, safety drones can accompany you whenever you attempt ... well, I guess, anything. ;-)
I think the fact that I’ve survived this long says something about my resilience. I didn’t even mention the handful of car accidents, none of which were my fault.
Oh my gosh!! You can even make serious injuries sound funny. But do us a favor try and keep all of your limbs. Especially your arms, hands and fingers!
I’m trying, Paulette, but I can make no promises!
Sounds like the proverbial walking accident waiting to happen. Egads, man. You don't need enemies, you need to wear a wire cage, of course one that would allow riding a bicycle, shooting hoops and trimming hedges. Happy Halloween regardless. You have more than enough horror stories for the season. Be careful? Not sufficient. Be more or most careful and exercise extreme caution with every move.
When you stop to consider that these accidents have been spread out across a lifetime…ah, who am I kidding, it’s still pretty bad. But it’s been several years now since the last one. So that’s something!
Sounds like you have a good streak going in your favor. Any explanations about why that may be? Given a few of my “accidents” like falling 30’ from a stadium press box, a bad car wreck and a few other mishaps, I feel blessed to still be here, racking up the years, one by one.
Hold on. You fell 30’ from a stadium press box? Gary! Please tell me how and what injuries you sustained.
No broken bones, some bruises and limped to a house where my swim teacher lived and she called my parents. I was stupidly trying to climb up to the roof on the outside wall and it was a sheer drop, in slow motion, as if they ground came up to meet me. It was a small high school stadium not a big stadium so that’s why just 30’. I recall the doc saying I would probably have “water on the knee” due to the trauma of hitting the ground, landing on my feet, and one leg must have taken most of impact. I’ll chalk it up to beyond me, and others, to understand how I landed mostly unscathed.
It’s pretty amazing you didn’t break at least a leg. I guess that deterred you from pursuing rock climbing!