Shit, I'm in the Wrong Timeline

The Mandela Effect proves it

If you’re like me, you’ve forgotten certain events in your life, due to either the passage of time, the natural aging process, or a weeklong bender that ended in a New Jersey jail cell.

But have you ever had a very clear memory of something that never happened?

If a large group of people share your same false memory, you’ve experienced the Mandela Effect.

Its origin goes like this: a lot of people swear they remember Nelson Mandela dying in prison. Obviously, this would have put a damper on his chances of becoming the president of South Africa, absent some wacky Weekend at Nelson’s shenanigans.

These people claim to remember the news reports of his death. They say they vividly recall tuning into his televised funeral and seeing his widow, Winnie, grieving. They’re convinced of it.

As we know, however, Mandela didn’t die in prison; he was released in 1990. And he did serve as the president of South Africa, from 1994-1998. He died in 2013.

So why do so many people “remember” a completely different version of his life?

One popular theory is that their memories are actually correct—in their original timeline. Before they somehow switched to this one.

Whose timeline is it anyway?

It would be a lot simpler if this began and ended with Nelson Mandela. But you don’t get a full-fledged “Effect” named after you for nothing. Just ask Doppler, Dunning and Kruger, or the Butterfly.

After the Mandela mystery, people started comparing other shared memories—or maybe delusions. There are a lot of them, with the following being among the most common.

The Berenstain Bears

Their original timeline: The series of children’s books was spelled The Berenstein Bears .

This timeline: It’s always been spelled Berenstain.

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Fruit of the Loom

Their original timeline: The logo had a cornucopia in it.

This timeline: It doesn’t, and never did.

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Shazaam

Their original timeline: Sinbad played a genie in an early-1990s movie called Shazaam. This is not to be confused with Kazaam, in which Shaquille O’Neal played a genie. Those were two different movies, and these people remember specific scenes from each one.

This timeline: Shazaam never happened.

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Moonraker

Their original timeline: James Bond’s hulking nemesis, the steel-toothed Jaws, becomes infatuated with a young blonde woman named Dolly. He smiles at her, exposing his metallic mouth. Then she smiles back, revealing that she has braces. It was a funny sight gag.

This timeline: When Dolly smiles at Jaws, she doesn’t have braces. There’s no sight gag.

Again, there are countless people all over the world who share these, and other, phantom memories. What’s going on here?

I think some Mandela Effects can easily be explained by faulty memory or conflating one event with another. Berenstain is an unusual name. We’re used to seeing names end in “stein.”

So did these people beam in from another timeline, or is it more likely that their brains played a little neuro-hokey-pokey and “corrected” the spelling to something more familiar?

I can’t explain the Nelson Mandela thing, though. I suppose these people could be remembering a different famous person’s funeral, but that seems odd given the unique circumstances of Mandela’s life.

And honestly? I remember—or think I remember—the cornucopia in the Fruit of the Loom logo. I also remember Dolly in Moonraker flashing her braces to Jaws, so when I learned that never happened, I crawled into a corner and rocked back and forth for three hours, shaking.

Then I started thinking about some of my other memories that don’t jibe with reality. I came to the only conclusion that makes sense: as far-fetched as it sounds, somewhere around 20 years ago or so, I switched timelines. And I want to go back.

The proof

Once I started to really examine my past, I realized that there’s no way this could be my original timeline. The evidence is overwhelming. For instance, this is the first thing that struck me:

Political discourse

My original timeline: As a matter of etiquette, there were two topics that it was frowned upon to talk about in social settings. There was even a well-known saying about it: “Never discuss politics or religion in polite company.”

This timeline: There is no polite company. The world is a cross between C-Span and The Jerry Springer Show, and the surprise paternity test that Jerry conducted names “Mayhem” from the Allstate commercials as the father of this clusterfuck.

After I wrestled with that, other telltale signs of the shift became clear, with all of these memories having been corroborated by other people.

Kids’ schedules

My original timeline: Kids played sports, maybe took up an instrument, and still had plenty of free time.

This timeline: Childhood is more tightly timed than the Ocean’s 11 casino heist. Every second is accounted for, with practices, games, lessons, rehearsals, play dates, clubs, committees, board meetings, closing arguments, and filibusters.

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McDonald’s ice cream

My original timeline: You could easily get ice cream at McDonald’s.

This timeline: The odds are Lotto-esque. A friend of mine has never had a McDonald’s sundae or milkshake, because every time she’s tried to get one, the machine has been broken.

Mind you, these are different locations with different machines, over the course of years. Hers is not a unique case. In March 2023, I myself embarked on a quixotic journey attempting to procure a Shamrock Shake.

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John Cusack

My original timeline: John Cusack was a beloved movie star.

This timeline: Your John Cusack’s resume is rife with straight-to-video releases, the likes of which in my timeline would typically feature Gary Busey or Dolph Lundgren. His last five films were Detective Chinatown 1900, Decoded, Pursuit, Never Grow Old, and River Runs Red. How many of these have you heard of?

I have to do more research, but I think Detective Chinatown 1900 is the only movie to be based on a Mad Lib.

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TV

My original timeline: Once a TV show was over, it was over. It was sad knowing that you’d never see those characters again, but you cherished the memories of all the entertainment they gave you.

This timeline: Old intellectual property is being helped to its feet and moseyed out like a geriatric show pony. It’s ironic because there’s very little that’s intellectual about things like Fuller House, Girl Meets World, Hawaii Five-O, Magnum P.I., 90210, and Saved by the Bell.

The Roseanne reboot doesn’t even have Roseanne in it anymore. That’s like having a Frasier-less The Cranes. Speaking of which, I have to concede that the new Frasier is very good.

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Clothing

My original timeline: There was a distinction between clothes that you wore in the privacy of your own home and clothes that you wore in public.

This timeline: With all the pajamas out there, it looks like everyone just came from Hugh Hefner’s estate sale. People wear sweatpants to funerals. A quick trip to Walmart will expose you to an abundance of uncovered belly, butt cheek, and side-boob. Not in a good way.

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Logging in

My original timeline. It was easy to log into websites where you have an account.

This timeline: Merely checking your cell phone bill is an operation worthy of the NSA. Here are a few of the steps you may be forced to follow:

• Agree to a new privacy policy, which is updated every four days

• Change your password because, after years without an issue, they now think it’s stupid

• Click the link in the confirmation email

• Click the link in the confirmation text

• Download an authorization app, then spend two hours chatting with a robot because even though you followed the cell phone company’s instructions, their website won’t communicate with the app

  • Once the app is working, have an anxiety attack trying to beat the clock, because every move you made on the site up to this point opened another tab, totaling 12, and you have to frantically search for the one where you’re supposed to enter the code

• Consider getting rid of your phone altogether

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Time for some positives

Then again, it’s not like I came from a utopia. There are some things here that are a definite improvement.

Milk

My original timeline: Milk came from one place and one place only: Bessie’s teat. If you didn’t like it or it disagreed with you, you had two options: raw-dog your Corn Flakes and choke on every third spoonful, or go hungry. Tough luck.

This timeline: We have more sources of milk than a maternity ward. There’s almond milk, cashew milk, macadamia milk, oat milk, soy milk, coconut milk, hemp milk, and more.

The caveat: none of these is actually “milk,” per se. In fact, no one knows exactly how they’re made; each is concocted by a wizard using medieval alchemy. But they provide options for people with different dietary needs or preferences.

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Comeuppance

My original timeline: When someone behaved badly to another person, you’d probably never hear about it.

This timeline: Watch your step, or you may find yourself on blast. You can’t ghost someone, pull any kind of nonsense in a fast-food restaurant, or have a road-rage incident without an embarrassing screenshot or video ending up on social media, along with an explanation of why you’re such a shit-heel. Some may say things have gone too far, and maybe they have, but I say keep it up. We need more repercussions.

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Food delivery

My original timeline: You could order pizza or Chinese food or something over the phone to be delivered to your house.

This timeline: Any kind of food in the world can be at your door in 40 minutes through the magic of apps. You don’t have to put on your outside clothes (as if you have any), you don’t have to talk to anyone (until the driver gets lost), and you don’t have to be ashamed to chow down on Shake Shack and a chorizo burrito at the same time if you want to (that’s between you and your God). Live your best life, friendo.

Pro tip: some Sunday, treat yourself to a breakfast delivery. It’ll change your life. Not a boring-yet-admittedly-delicious premade egg-muffin combo. An omelette. Home fries. Bacon. Avocado toast. Pancakes. Waffles. Whatever weekend-morning delights cause drool to seep out of your giddy little mouth.

You know what? I do miss a lot of things from my old timeline, but that last point puts this one over the top. Let’s order some food. I’m staying.