Our Questionable Google Searches

Predictive text is a window into the weird

The False Mirror by René Magritte

Google is great at selling your data, stealing your intellectual property, and helping the government to spy on you. But did you know it can also answer questions?

It’s true!

One of Google’s best features, though, happens while you’re typing, not after you hit enter. That’s the predictive text it shows as it tries to guess in real time what your query is. It’s like an annoying coworker who always tries to complete your sentences, making you want to scream, Would you just let me fucking finish, Dave?

According to the company, “Google Search automatically predicts your query based on trending topics, past searches, and common search phrases.” So, it can actually be quite helpful.

It can also be illuminating. This Google guessing game provides a glimpse into what information other people are looking for, like little sociological snack cups.

That’s why I decided to do an experiment. I wanted to know what people wanted to know, but on a broad scale.

I figured a lot of people’s searches start with “Do…” For example, “Do onions really make people cry,” or “Do people get married at Madison Square Garden because the Grand Canyon is already booked?”

So, here’s the methodology I came up with: I’d type “Do,” hit the space bar, and go through the alphabet one letter at a time—“Do a,” “Do b,” “Do c,” etc.—to see what Google predicted I’d want to know for each.

Then I realized that “Can” would be a better way to start my questions. “Do” is looking for facts. “Can” is looking for possibilities. And possibilities are more interesting than facts.

Google provides you with 10 predictions while you’re typing, which is too many to talk about. But there’s plenty to learn from even a small sample of them.

“Can a”

Can a felon get a passport

Can a vasectomy be reversed

Can a man get pregnant

What are we to take from this? Is there an ex-con who fears he impregnated a man and wants to flee the country? Is there an ex-con who hopes to impregnate a man and book a babymoon? The mind whirls.

“Can b”

Can boy girl friendship survive

Can buy myself flowers

Can be use

I hope Google answered the first question with a link to When Harry Met Sally’s IMDB page. I bet the second search is the girl from the first search planning to make the boy jealous.

The last one appears to be a philosophical question. Can be use? The obvious follow-up is, Will be use? Then, the natural conclusion to this thought experiment: Should be use?

“Can c”

Can c diff kill you

Can c diff cause vomiting

Can c diff cause constipation

Someone’s certainly having a C. difficult time of it. What they didn’t ask, and what they might want to prepare for, is that C. diff can cause a condition called toxic megacolon. Which also happens to be the name of my death metal band.

“Can d”

Can dogs eat strawberries

Can dogs eat bananas

Can dogs eat tomatoes

Can dogs eat grapes

All ten of the predictive text results were like this. We love dogs. We coddle them, we snuggle with them, we talk to them, and we’re in constant fear of killing them.

“Can e”

Can earthquakes be predicted

Can elephants jump

Can elephants swim

It’s pretty clear what’s going on here. If you place a bet on whether an earthquake will happen, and then cause that earthquake by getting an elephant to jump, you’ll win millions. Then you move on to “predicting” tsunamis. It’s the oldest con in the book.

“Can f”

Can fish see water

Can fish see air

These are either Buddhist koans or the ramblings of someone who’s high as fuck.

“Can g”

Can gta 6 be played on a microwave

Can guinea pigs eat grapes

Can guinea pigs eat tomatoes

The first question is the rambling of someone who’s high as fuck.

I don’t know about grapes or tomatoes, but here’s a fun fact: a male guinea pig may eat a female’s babies if he thinks he’s not the father. It makes you wonder if there’s a rodent equivalent of The Jerry Springer Show.

“Can h”

Can herpes kill you

Can hemorrhoids bleed

Can herpes go away

Can hemorrhoids pop

This poor soul has it coming and going. At least they don’t have C. diff.

“Can i”

Can I run it

Can I pet that dog

Can I drink distilled water

If I were forced to take part in a poetry slam with no notice, this is what would come out of my mouth.

“Can j”

Can j

Can jumping spiders bite

Can jeans be business casual

Of course j can, silly. The day j can’t is the day I stop trying.

Wait, are we still doing business casual? Are there still offices? I thought everyone was just naked below the waist now. Thus the jumping-spiders question.

“Can k”

Can kids have Tums

Can kidney stones kill you

Can kidney stones cause diarrhea

One thing this exercise has shown is that many of us are having digestive problems. Also, it turns out that in rare cases kidney stones can actually be life-threatening. In every other case, it merely feels like you’re dying.

“Can l”

Can lice jump

Can ladybugs bite

Somewhere in the Bay Area an animator is doing research for a very dark Pixar movie.

“Can m”

Can men lactate

Can men get pregnant

I’ve seen a man lactate, so I know it’s possible. In my 20s, a group of us were sitting in a Denny’s late one night when a friend of a friend unveiled this…talent? Party trick? Abomination? Yes, that’s the word.

“Can n”

Can narcissists change

Can nuns get married

The funny thing about these two is that you could swap the subjects and still have a couple of good questions.

“Can o”

Can opossums get rabies

Can ostriches fly

Can one grape kill a dog

This is beside the point, but if you’re not sure what the difference is between possums and opossums, it’s that opossums are Irish.

“Can p”

Can pregnant women eat shrimp

Can peacocks fly

Can pregnant women drink coffee

Can prednisone cause diarrhea

The next stop on our mammalian dietary tour is pregnant women. If anyone’s wondering, I’m pretty sure they can have grapes.

We’re also seeing entries in both our avian-flight and digestive-issues categories. Which leads us to…

“Can q”

Can quails fly

Can quinoa cause digestive issues

Can quail live with chickens

Can quinoa make you bloated

I’m sure you’re as surprised as I am that no one has searched, “Can quail give you diarrhea.”

“Can r”

Can rabbits eat grapes

Can roadrunners fly

Can rabbits eat strawberries

Can rabbits eat apples

I didn’t know that rabbit owners face the same kinds of food issues as dog owners, but if cartoons have taught me anything, it’s that you can’t go wrong with carrots.

Speaking of which, as a point of interest, roadrunners can actually fly, as well as run on two-dimensional roads that are painted onto the sides of mountains.

“Can s”

Can squirrels drink milk

Can sheep choose to forget

Can stress cause diarrhea

Obviously, there’s only one worth talking about here. I imagine this search was conducted by a lonely herder who’s feeling a deep sense of shame.

“Can t”

Can turkeys fly

Can ticks fly

We really don’t have a very good handle on which things can fly and which can’t. I sucked at biology, so I cast no stones. But it’s safe to assume that if ticks could fly, we’d all live underground.

“Can u”

Can urgent care do ultrasounds

Can urgent care prescribe medicine

Can You Feel the Love Tonight: Song by Elton John

Can urgent care do stitches

The inclusion of the song is curious, since it’s technically a “Can y” question, but it does give us our best guess as to what’s happening here: lion attack.

“Can v”

Can viltrumites regrow limbs

Can vitamin d cause constipation

Can viltrumites die of old age

I thought viltrumites must be some kind of insect I’d never heard of, but they’re characters in the comic book and animated series Invincible. I couldn’t find anything about whether they get bloated.

“Can w”

Can women be color blind

Can women get prostate cancer

Can women be pastors

Hot on the heels of “Can men get pregnant” we now have “Can women get prostate cancer.” As a public service, I’d like to put it out there that men can’t get vaginosis, and women are immune to testicular cancer.

“Can x”

Can xanax lower blood pressure

Can xanax cause diarrhea

Can xanax cause anxiety

Can xanax cause constipation

I don’t know about any of these, but I do know that, unlike ostriches or ticks, at a certain dosage, you can fly.

“Can y”

Can you freeze trees

Can you live without a pancreas

Can you deposit cash at an atm

Again, there’s only one here that I’m interested in, and that’s the one that’s dreaming the biggest. Under what circumstances do you suppose the desire to freeze trees came up? What conversation took place before this person said, “Hold on, I’ll Google it”?

Then there’s the matter of how? I can’t begin to imagine what a 50-foot Sub-Zero freezer would cost. But you could build one hell of an igloo with the ice maker.

“Can z”

Can zyrtec make you sleepy

Can zofran cause constipation

Can zoloft cause weight gain

Can zepbound cause diarrhea

Notice the absence of things like, “Can zebras eat strawberries” or “Can zinfandel cause hemorrhoids.” We have a lot of questions about medications, which is odd considering those voiceovers delivered by coked-up auctioneers at the end of drug commercials make everything so clear.

So, what have we learned here? We’ve discovered that there are several recurring themes in what information people are searching for. We’ve seen felonious globetrotters and diet-conscious dog-owners. We’ve seen jumping insects and grounded birds. We’ve seen intestinal distress. So much intestinal distress.

Personally, this process has caused me to look inward and think about the possibilities in my own life. And what I’ve determined is both profound and empowering:

I can run it.

I can pet that dog.

I can drink distilled water.

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