Hey, thanks for making the time. I know you have a lot to do around here so I’ll try to keep this brief.
Here’s my standard reminder of the rating system. As you know, each category gets a ranking from one to five:
5 — Outstanding
4 — Exceeds Expectations
3 — Meets Expectations
2 — Needs Improvement
1 — Unacceptable
Okay, let’s get this done and get you back to work.
Productivity and Dependability: 3
I don’t want the drop from last quarter to give you the impression that I don’t recognize the great things you’ve been doing. Historically, this has been a challenging category, and you got a little sloppy in Q1.
Positives:
Demonstrates a strong level of leadership. We literally couldn’t function without you.
Upholds core values. All hygiene protocols are in good stead. No issues.
Uses humor appropriately to enhance team spirit. Snappy rejoinders and retorts were up an impressive 17%.
Proactively anticipates potential issues and plans accordingly. You’re always aware of when you’re unmuted during Teams meetings. Kudos for not making any sarcastic comments or letting loose any embarrassing noises.
Areas of Opportunity:
Often misses key details in communication, leading to misunderstandings or incomplete tasks. Your lack of ability to retain names remains troubling and put us in a series of awkward situations. Your reliance on “What’s up, chief?”, “Hey, big guy,” and “There she is!” is ineffective and annoys people.
I’ve developed an action plan for you incorporating mindfulness and sustained repetition. We’ll double-click on this in a separate meeting.
Struggles with maintaining a high level of precision in tasks, leading to errors. In mid-March, you bid someone, “Have a good mornay,” which I can only presume was a verbal car crash between “morning” and “day.” I’d like to see less of this kind of embarrassing blunder.
Despite being unclear of its exact meaning, you used the phrase “down to clown” twice during the period. Until you verify that it’s not a sex thing, please remove it from your vocabulary.
Occasionally exhibits a lack of enthusiasm or motivation toward job responsibilities. Our Wordle streak ending was not ideal. You must be vigilant about not using letters that have already been eliminated. I expect better from you.
Efficiency and Time Management: 4
This remains one of your strongest areas. I think you can get to a 5 if you lean in with a little more discipline.
Positives:
Able to complete assigned tasks on time without sacrificing quality work. You’re excellent when it comes to meeting deadlines. It’s much appreciated.
Demonstrates exceptional ability to manage time efficiently. You’re the force behind my being consistently punctual. That said, you’re also the force behind my severe anxiety when running late, so let’s call this one a wash.
Areas of Opportunity:
Demonstrates a tendency to get easily distracted, impacting focus and productivity. Whether it’s a YouTube video, Netflix episode, Duolingo lesson, or any number of other time-sucks, your variety of procrastination techniques is unmatched.
I don’t know how you have the bandwidth to get all of your work done, but you do, so I can’t be too critical. That said, I’m compelled to ask: is there some aggressive quota of serial-killer documentaries that you need to meet? It’s a little much.
Collaboration and Teamwork: 3
Your internal relationships are strong, but not always as effective as they could be. There’s room here for improvement.
Positives:
Operates cross-functionally and looks to forge strong working relationships across the organization. Partnerships with Heart and Lungs continue to produce outstanding overall circulatory and respiratory functioning. Thank you for your cooperation with those guys.
Joint efforts with Colon, Stomach, Liver, Kidneys, et al. are meeting benchmarks. There are occasional hiccups, but nothing that doesn’t resolve with time.
Areas of Opportunity:
Needs improvement in supporting team decisions, which can impact unity and progress toward shared goals. I’d like to see better coordination between you and Legs. There’s been an increase in tripping, and a noticeable rise in bumping into tables and doorframes. Please set up a meeting with those two so you can ideate ways to make things run more smoothly.
Similarly, you need to have better synergy with Hands. Dropping forks, knocking over full water bottles with abrupt gestures, cutting Face when shaving—these are all unforced errors. Please ping Hands to discuss. You should also apologize to Face.
Problem-Solving: 4
Generally speaking, another strong area. You excel when faced with challenges. I do have some notes, but I’m sure they’re things you can move the needle on this quarter.
Positives:
Enthusiastically takes on new challenges outside their comfort zone. You’ve gotten in and out of some tight parallel-parking squeezes. The one on 2nd Street between the Passat and the F150 with the crowd of teenagers screaming “Hit them both! Hit them both!” is a strong example.
Displays the ability to come up with innovative solutions to complex problems. As you’ve demonstrated, most “important” emails can be left unanswered and later blamed on landing in the Spam folder, if necessary.
Is able to come up with multiple solutions when the opportunity arises. It can be difficult to avoid political discussions nowadays, and you’ve developed some inventive escapes. From faking a seizure to claiming that you can’t vote because you’re in the witness protection program, I applaud your ingenuity.
Areas of Opportunity:
Struggles to think outside the box when faced with challenging situations, leading to missed opportunities for innovation. I understand this is a difficult skill to master, but you need to work harder on getting me out of social commitments.
Dinner parties, game nights, that art exhibition by the blind nun—I wasn’t aligned to any of these.
Canceling isn’t one of your core competencies. Your Guilt function goes into overdrive. The data suggests that we’ll see a significant uptick in avoided events if you simply decline at the outset.
Attitude: 2
Again, this is a rough category for you. It’s clear that you’re trying, but there’s still a lot of work to be done.
Positives:
Generally demonstrates a positive attitude. I know you’re consciously trying to keep an optimistic disposition and focus on gratitude. When there’s no one around, and absolutely nothing going on, your results have been stellar.
Areas of Opportunity:
Displays a negative attitude toward others or assigned tasks. There’s been no improvement in your “people suck” paradigm. Look, I get it. They do suck. The problem is that you’re letting that outside turmoil affect you internally.
You have to remember, it’s not just you; we’re a team here. I’ve been getting complaints from Heart about the blood-pressure spikes, and Nerves have been getting jumpy as well.
I suppose the silver lining is that you continually find new and interesting ways to curse. “That fuck-knuckle can eat a bag of dicks” was particularly fun.
Well, that’s all I have. I know some of this wasn’t easy to hear, but I’m just trying to make you the best you can be. I’ll touch base with you next week to schedule that name-retention meeting. In the meantime, take it easy, chief.
See? Told you it’s annoying.
And here was I thinking you'd be in your element at game nights. We're talking board games and trivia, right?
This made me laugh really hard... and also cringe with horrible workplace memories... and then laugh really hard again.