Douchemaxxing

A look at the manosphere

Portrait of a Young Man by Bronzino

Contrary to how it sounds, the manosphere isn’t a gay nightclub from 1977. Rather, it refers to a group of podcasters, influencers, and the like who promote extreme takes on masculinity and blatant misogyny.

“The manosphere” is a nice, convenient wrapper. Sometimes, though, a thing should be called what it is. This isn’t about men. Not really. What we’re talking about is an epidemic of douchebaggery.

You see, not every man is a douchebag, but every douchebag is a man. Think of it like chickens and cocks.

The guys under the manosphere umbrella believe that society is biased against men. Radical feminism has infiltrated our country to such a degree that we men are but hapless victims. We have to fight back!

It’s sound logic. Just look around—when was the last time you saw a man in a position of power, or earning as much as a woman for doing the same job? Plus, you know they’re on to something because there’s nothing manlier than blaming other people for your problems. Checkmate, motherfuckers.

There’s a documentary by Louis Theroux on Netflix called Inside the Manosphere. Theroux sets out to understand what some of these streamers and podcasters are all about, and who they are off-camera.

Spoiler alert: they’re never off-camera.

These guys spew out a lot of misogyny, racism, homophobia, and misinformation. A large part of their audience is still in high school or even middle school. In eighth grade, I was too shy to tell a girl I liked her. These boys are ending up confused about what liking a girl even means.

The manosphere is essentially a never-ending infomercial, only instead of ShamWows, Bedazzlers, and Veg-O-Matics, they’re peddling hate speech, unattainable dreams, and get-rich-quick schemes. If the manosphere were a person, it would be the lovechild of Patrick Bateman and Ron Popeil.

Theroux ultimately uncovers that the main subjects he interviews suffered from rough childhoods with no father present, which he believes played a key part in their douchebag origin stories.

Maybe, but plenty of other men grew up fatherless in difficult conditions and are without a hint of douche. Jay-Z. Samuel L. Jackson. Keanu Reeves. Justin Bieb—nope, we’ll leave it there.

The Inside the Manosphere guys’ messages of strength and self-sufficiency give hope to young men in similar circumstances who are looking for role models. Unfortunately, those healthy themes are served up inside a coating of deep-fried awfulness.

Awfulness like humiliating women. Glorifying sleazy and wasteful displays of wealth. Assaulting gay people. Railing against Jews.

What Theroux didn’t get into is the different factions that operate within the manosphere, including men’s rights activists (MRAs), incels, and pick-up artists (PUAs).

Who knew there was such diversity among people who hate diversity? I picture them all convening at the Anaheim Convention Center for DoucheCon. There’d be booth after booth of roid-heads flexing and posing for each other and cackling at their own slurs, the air thick with protein farts and body spray, with nary a sleeve or ounce of empathy in sight.

But I can’t leave out my favorite batch: Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW). Contrary to how it sounds, this isn’t a gay hiking club. It’s a group that starts with the common premise that women have become thoroughly corrupted by feminism.

What sets these guys apart is that they vow to never marry or enter into a committed relationship with a woman. This is like someone telling you they have a giant block of rancid, moldy cheese, but you can’t have any.

MGTOW was, in part, popularized by noted woman-harasser and adolescent-sex-advocate Milo Yiannopoulos. Yiannopoulos is a douchebag.

Andrew Tate was a douchebag. The accused rapist and human-trafficker has since transcended into unfathomable-piece-of-shit territory. Congratulations, Andrew. Your certificate is in the mail.

All of these guys position women not only as the enemy, but as second-class humans. They don’t think women should even be allowed to vote. Which is rich coming from this brain trust.

Here’s a fun show idea: we give these guys and a group of random women a test on current events. The team that scores highest gets to vote, and the others don’t. AOC and Pete Hegseth can cohost.

Besides the documentary dude-bros, there’s another douchey group making headlines these days. But first, some history.

Back in the 90s, there was a term, “metrosexual,” that was basically a description of a straight man who was as well-dressed and put-together as a gay man. The fact that men looking nice was so unusual that they had to invent a name for it says a lot about how low the bar was.

Now, there are young men who practice what’s known as Looksmaxxing. These guys have devoted their lives to becoming the most physically perfect version of themselves.

In theory, that sounds a bit much, but whatever—you do you. The problem is, there’s a lot more to it.

The idea came out of incel culture and has its roots in white supremacy. They believe that whiteness and Caucasian features are the human ideal. They also maintain that the only thing women care about is looks, so if they can maximize theirs, they might have a shot at getting laid. Looksmaxxers have already maximized the number of x’s that a single word can bear, so they’re off to a good start.

There are two categories of Looksmaxxing. The first is Softmaxxing, which involves grooming, fashion, fitness, and other topics you may recognize under their former name, Taking Care of Yourself.

Things take a darker turn with Hardmaxxing. Contrary to how it sounds, this isn’t a gay fitness club. This is like if Dr. Mengele designed a self-improvement program.

Hardmaxxing includes everything from ingesting all kinds of substances (steroids, human growth hormone, etc.), to skin-whitening, to plastic surgery, to bone-smashing.

What, you’re not familiar with bone-smashing? Catch up, loser.

This is where young men take a hammer and whack themselves in the jaw, cheekbone, or other facial feature they want to zhuzh up. The theory is that, through blunt force trauma, you can reshape these bones and restructure your face into a more aesthetically pleasing version. Because that’s how faces work.

On a related note, if anyone from Craftsman or DeWalt is reading, I have some interesting sponsorship ideas I’d like to pitch you.

Looksmaxxing is just a new symptom of an old disease. As long as there have been people, there have been douchebags. Ghandi forbade doctors from giving his wife penicillin when she had severe pneumonia, so she died. Henry Ford was a vehement anti-Semite. Aristotle said that females are “the first steps towards monstrosity.” And he didn’t even know Ellen Degeneres.

So, here’s the question: are there more douchebags now, or do we just see them more because of the internet?

There are more now. You know there are. And their numbers are growing.

That’s why we need to lose the term manosphere and replace it with something more accurate: Maybe The Douchepocalypse. Or Douchemageddon. Or Douchapalooza. I’m open to suggestions. Even from women.

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