“Since they were directly quoting things I’d said, their language was abusive and hurtful, and I felt unsafe.” First of all I’m sorry that you felt unsafe. That is very unfortunate and not a joking matter. Second, this may be the funniest sentence ever written. Third, of course we forgive you!
Thanks, Bestie! You’re one of the few who recognize the terrible pain I endured because of what I did. I hope I can count on you for pre-forgiveness for whatever I do next.
Admit it, you wanted to get caught. This has all been eating at you for years. Plus, you needed a good scandal to up your PR rating and media coverage. Btw, your speech writer does an excellent job.
Self-sabotage is a very interesting theory. I’ll have to bring that up with one of my therapists. Or maybe I’ll just put you in touch with them and you can all fill me in later. That sounds easier. I’ll pass along your compliment to my speechwriter! This was a tricky one but I think he nailed it.
Well, Chris, as long as you are deeply deeply, sorry for the terrible pain and harm your words have caused (i.e. failing to pronounce “Barcelona” without that lispy th sound) we can find forgiveness in our hearts. Or, you should be killed. I go back and forth.
Did you sign this with an auto pen by any chance?
You can’t prove that.
I’m touched by your sincerity. Now may I have the name of your crisis PR firm?
I’ll be happy to make the introduction.
If only more caring bosses offered hands-on yoga sessions! You were only trying to tap their zen.
Apologies accepted now and for inevitable future suggestions of birthday suit saunas, which, by all counts, does wonders for toxicity.
I was just about to sign the contract on the construction of the sauna when things went sideways.
A masterclass in the art of performative contrition. Someone give this man a Substack called I Regret Nothing (Publicly). 😂
Brilliant idea! I’ll never run out of things to write about. 🤣
What about the modeling business you only recently shut down?
I really wish I could answer that, but my attorney has advised me against it.
Wait a minute Chris, all this time reading your writing and I never realized you were a professional athlete, how could that be?
I’m full of surprises, Henny, many of which have gotten me in some hot water.
I am very sorry that certain people found your words and/or actions to be offensive and/or harmful. This must be a difficult time for you.
Thank you for considering my feelings in all of this, Lee. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m not too proud to admit them when I have no other choice.
“Since they were directly quoting things I’d said, their language was abusive and hurtful, and I felt unsafe.” First of all I’m sorry that you felt unsafe. That is very unfortunate and not a joking matter. Second, this may be the funniest sentence ever written. Third, of course we forgive you!
Thanks, Bestie! You’re one of the few who recognize the terrible pain I endured because of what I did. I hope I can count on you for pre-forgiveness for whatever I do next.
Oh you can. No one should hold your actions against you like that. When did everyone become so sensitive??? Jeesh.
RIGHT?!?
Don't worry. The Feel Good Fridays scandal never impacts polling.
Even the 10-minute power hugs?
Iowans may have had second thoughts, but nationally, the numbers still look good.
🙌🙏👏
Hmmmmm. xo
Admit it, you wanted to get caught. This has all been eating at you for years. Plus, you needed a good scandal to up your PR rating and media coverage. Btw, your speech writer does an excellent job.
Self-sabotage is a very interesting theory. I’ll have to bring that up with one of my therapists. Or maybe I’ll just put you in touch with them and you can all fill me in later. That sounds easier. I’ll pass along your compliment to my speechwriter! This was a tricky one but I think he nailed it.
Oh, you are an excellent delegate (as in delegating responsibility, not regarding representing anyone or anything).
😆
Wonderful apology. I forgive you. Please resign.
Would you settle for a leave of absence followed by a controversial comeback?
Well, Chris, as long as you are deeply deeply, sorry for the terrible pain and harm your words have caused (i.e. failing to pronounce “Barcelona” without that lispy th sound) we can find forgiveness in our hearts. Or, you should be killed. I go back and forth.
Thank you for your understanding. Or how dare you. Whichever applies.
Okay Greta. I mean Boomer.