A Proposal for Pope Leo XIV

Introducing Catholicism Light

Pope Leo,

Congratulations on your ascension to the papacy. I’m rooting for you. Congrats, too, on being the first American pope! The U.S. could use some good PR right now, so this is a big win for us.

Before I get into my proposal, I’d like to share my qualifications:

• Raised Roman Catholic

• Baptized and confirmed

• Went to Sunday School

• Feel oppressive guilt about all manner of things, some of which I can’t even put my finger on

All that said, I must confess that I don’t go to church. Some might say I’m a lapsed Catholic. I prefer to think of myself as Catholish.

And this is exactly the impetus behind my proposition.

It’s no secret that the Church has a couple of serious, ongoing problems that have yet to be resolved:

1. More people are leaving the Church, and fewer people are joining.

2. Fewer men are becoming priests.

The Church has been doing things the same way for a very long time. But, like white smoke and a nun’s kindness, traditions don’t last forever.

However, I know that instituting meaningful change to the Church is like trying to move a boulder from the entrance to a cave. So you can think of what I’m about to pitch here as a pilot program. Or a Pontius Pilate program, if you like. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Here it is:

Catholicism Light.

Essentially, we’d implement some changes that I think will help revive the Church. Rest assured, nothing would change with Catholicism proper. Rather, we’d identify a selection of parishes around the country to test out Catholicism Light.

If we find that people are more drawn to these particular churches, that will give you hard data to start rolling out some adjustments to the master brand as you see fit.

Obviously, I’d greatly value your input, but as a jumping-off point, my thoughts follow. Because you’re from Chicago, I feel l I can speak frankly.

Attracting members

There are a number of things we can do to stop the exodus and bring more people into the fold.

First things first

Let’s just get this out of the way. We need to properly address The Scandal.

What happened—the abuse itself, along with the subsequent coverups—was reprehensible.

Also, not a great recruitment tool.

With all that in mind, here’s what I’m thinking:

1. We’ll administer extensive psychiatric screenings and background checks for current and prospective priests. Any red flags, they’re out.

2. All priests will have to sign a contract stipulating that molestation will result in castration, followed by incarceration for the rest of their life. No exceptions.

Think of the clear message that would send. I’d love to see you adopt this across the board if you see the value in it.

The Commandments

Ten is a lot of Commandments. I’m not so sure they’ve ever stopped anyone from doing something they really wanted to do anyway. But Leo, I’m not an anarchist. We do need some rules.

So my approach would be to tweak the list to Five Commandments and Five Suggestions. Think of them like felonies and misdemeanors.

The Five Commandments will be the ones about killing, stealing, bearing false witness, adultery, and worshipping false idols.

As for the Five Suggestions, we’ll start with the coveting.

I think it’s a little unrealistic to not get a car boner over your neighbor’s new Porsche.

And is it great to lust after your neighbor’s wife? Maybe not, but it’s not on the same level as strangling him with your bare hands.

Besides, if a person should act on those thoughts, we have them covered in the Commandments about stealing and adultery. If it weren’t for symmetry, I’d probably take out the covets altogether.

Next up: taking the Lord’s name in vain. A question: when you stub your toe, do you ever belt out a pained “Jesus Christ!” Honestly, I don’t think J.C. cares. He has so many more important things to focus on. And who doesn’t like hearing their name?

Moving on. If your goal is to convince more people to convert or return to Catholicism, keeping the Sabbath holy—which we know is code for “go to church every Sunday”—is a big ask.

Let’s meet people where they are. Like:

“Please come, but if you want to sleep in or go to brunch sometimes, knock yourself out. We’re not going anywhere.”

That just leaves “Honor thy father and thy mother.” On its face, this is a solid directive. But, real talk? Not all of them deserve to be honored. Being a parent doesn’t preclude one from being a terrible person. So, honor them, no matter what? I don’t love it.

Mass

Okay, let’s get down to some practical considerations. There’s a lot about the church-going experience that, how shall I put this, sucks demon dick.

For instance, if you want to get asses in pews, how about we start by making those pews a little more comfortable than high school bleachers? Padding for all, I say.

Then there’s the choreography. Up, down, up down, kneel, up, kneel. Are we worshipping or workshopping a dance routine? We can lose a few moves here.

Two words: less incense.

We also need to rethink Communion. The priest hands you the wafer, and you put it in your mouth. Then you go sip wine from the chalice, and whoever’s holding it wipes it with the same cloth after each person.

The whole ritual is a fucking germ jamboree. For all we know, the priest’s hygiene could be ungodly. And who feels good about being the 32nd soul to sip from that communal cup? It’s like shotgunning herpes. We’ll overhaul this entire process in Catholicism Light.

Contraception

Allowed. You know as well as I do that no one takes this ban seriously anyway. Let’s leave the rhythm method to drum teachers.

Confession

You go into what is essentially a consecrated wooden broom closet, and the priest slides open a tiny window like you’re two spies in wartime Vienna. Then you tell him all the sins you committed since you last went through this rigamarole, and he decrees which prayers you need to recite and how many times you need to recite them.

I appreciate the cloak-and-dagger aspect, but it all feels very haphazard and off-putting. It’s not like the priest consults some kind of sin-to-prayer conversion chart—“Let’s see, impure thoughts, selfishness, and lying…that’ll be six Hail Marys and three Our Fathers.” He’s just rattling off whatever comes into his head.

Plus, we’re sending mixed messages. We’re advocating for people to pray to God. To turn to God in times of difficulty. To trust in God. We even tell people to ask God for forgiveness. But then we tell them God won’t grant them that forgiveness unless they go through a middleman? Holy power trip.

I’d recommend doing away with confession entirely. However, another option would be a reciprocal system where the priest has to tell you his sins too. When I was a kid, our pastor used to hit on my mom. In front of my brother and me. Do you think he confessed that to anyone?

Attracting priests

I think those steps will go a long way toward making the Church more appealing to the public. But that won’t do much good if there’s no one there to shepherd the flock. So here are the measures I recommend to attract more to the calling.

Women

I’m just going to rip off the Band-Aid here, Leo.

We revere Mary, but we don’t allow women in any positions of authority. Why? Because men do such an awesome job? I refer you to “First Things First,” above.

As I understand it, God created women too. I know this because there’s a movie called And God Created Woman. They’re CEOs and astronauts and doctors and teachers and lawyers and tech leaders and entrepreneurs, but they’re not qualified to minister to people? They bear and raise children, for Christ’s sake.

For people who can’t wrap their heads around this on a human level, we can point out that studies show that women are more religious than men. They’re our primary demo! Is continuing to relegate them to the nunnery a smart move for a struggling enterprise?

Morally, rationally, and strategically, women priests just make sense.

Marriage and relationships

My theory is that there was a mixup a long, long time ago. I don’t know if it was a whisper-down-the-lane situation or what, but I don’t think God is so vain as to demand the kind of absolute fealty that requires one to forego an earthly, romantic relationship.

I respect that you see it differently, but if you think about it, this policy isn’t even widespread in Christianity, let alone other religions. I know God is always with us, but it’s hard cuddling up with him on the sofa to watch TV.

Wardrobe

Love it. No notes.

Celibacy

This is directly tied to marriage and relationships. To be honest, I just threw in that wardrobe thing as a palate cleanser before we dig into this.

Celibacy is an enormous barrier to entry. We have a really strong opening offer: free room and board. But when that room is located in a sexual desert, you’re going to lose a lot of good prospects.

People aren’t down with living in Abstinence Alley. You know I’m right on this one.

Ideally, being the Church—albeit the Light version—we’d prefer this newfound liberty to take place within the structure of a loving, committed relationship. But I’m nothing if not realistic. We’ll need some leeway.

In closing

I realize the changes that make up Catholicism Light are extreme. And if you reject the idea out of hand, that’s fine. I have no dogma in this fight.

But I hope you’ll give serious thought to my proposal. If the pilot works, you’ll be the trailblazer who brought the Church into a new age. If it doesn’t, well, you’ll have given it a hell of a try.

Whatever your decision, I thank you for your consideration and wish you a long and healthy tenure.

God bless.